Izekyu

A (short) description of my 25 years on Earth

2010-08-09T22:39:00.004+08:00

As I turn a quarter of a century old today, I thought that it might be a good exercise to reflect back on my life so far and where I think I'm headed for.

I think that most people only start re-examining their lives when they turn 30 or even later. Worse still, the self-reflection process may even require a specific catalyst before it takes place. Like having someone close to you pass away, or being fired from your job. I think most people could do with more self-reflection at regular points in their lives. But that's just my own personal opinion.

Back to my reflections. The past 25 years have been a flash of images in my head. It must have to do with the way my brain is wired but I'm not one for remembering great details about stuff that happened in the past. I get by with only flashes of imagery and scenes that have managed to stick in my head throughout the years no matter how long ago the actual event took place.

And so, I remember my days in primary school. How they were filled with bittersweet memories. Sweet memories of having someone from the opposite sex who knew me well. Bitter memories from having friends that I felt for some reason had betrayed me at some point. Bitter memories of how my primary school teacher used to drive us like slaves preparing for the PSLE, practicing paper after paper, only for those memories to blossom into sweet ones when I got accepted into RI. The euphoria when I heard that a bunch of my friends and I would be headed for the best school in Singapore.

Moving on to secondary school, and my life in Scouts take centrestage. From the first year when we were 'invested' into Scouting, through the Sec 2 and 3 years when we were tortured by sadistic seniors, to the numerous campfires we went to as a troop and my performances in them, I was always with this group of Scouting friends who put me at ease when I was with them. We were a funny bunch and jokes would fly about almost anything, but we were capable of intellectual discussion as well; a side conversation could lead to a deep philosophical discussion in the next instant. Aside from Scouting, my other memories in RI include my wonderful time spent in 1C and 2C, where I met some of the funniest Rafflesians I have ever known, then 3G and 4G where I wasn't that close to my classmates since I had to manage the sports peoples' views of uniformed groups. Notable teachers like Mrs. Ng Hoon Hoon, Mr. Joseph Wong, Mr. Otto Fong, Mrs. Yau Pooi Har and Mr. Desmond Wong come to mind, the educators who have shaped my views of the sciences (and apparently, my eventual dislike for them).

Apart from all this, I also note the emotional changes that were happening in my life then, being an adolescent going through puberty. I remember the depression, the angst, the sadness. The times when I hated the whole world and turned to heavy music as an outlet to vent and express my frustration. But then, the whole world seemed oblivious to my plight, and looking back today I still think many people remain totally unaware of what I was going through during that period of time.

JC life was very much a blur - things revolved around my life as a canoiest in NJC. I was too busy training and juggling my studies and making a mess out of it that I suppose I did not have time to build any meaningful relationships there. I felt estranged from my triple science class which I switched to after dropping Econs. Looking back I did feel much closer to my Econs class (for that 3 months that it was worth anyway) and I probably would have enjoyed my JC life more if I had those good friends to stick to. Not that I disliked my class though. I bonded with the guys, something that I kinda miss now since we haven't met in quite a while.

Looking back, I would have enjoyed a good and fruitful social life if I weren't in canoeing! While other people were hanging out at Orchard and getting attached I was at Kallang rowing my life away... I don't profess to have regretted joining canoeing though cos it was pretty much an experience that I will never forget. Plus the friends that I made there were the friends I stuck to the most while in JC. It seems like a pity that we are so far from each other and only get to meet up once or twice a year. I do miss the bonding we had as a team over the crazy training sessions as dictated by our dear Mr. Yong (but NOT the trainings).

My army days were again a blur, though I remember important, defining milestones that set my future in the SAF. I remember aspiring to go to OCS while I was a recruit in BMT, and the joy that I felt when I did get into OCS. I remember the initial joys of being inducted into becoming an officer cadet, then the gradual inability to cope with the physical and probably mental stresses of being a commander, and then dropping out at pro term without asking for a recourse. That was probably the lowest point in my life when my self-confidence was totally non-existent and I felt like getting out of OCS immediately. I then recall the subsequent life back in BMTC where I became a section commander and the hard times that I went through with my fellow Leopard specs under the hands of the warrants.

Post ORD came what I would consider the best days of my life - university! I remember how 'on' I was in my first year as a freshie, and the numerous camps I participated in. Made so many friends and had so much fun in those camps. Bizad was a fun place to be in, and I remember the lectures that I used to skip with my friends as well as the projects and late nights we spent together trying to complete it.

Then came KR, which left a deep impression on me. KR was the second home that I had, where I spent two years doing cheerleading, rag dance plus a host of other activities. A stay in KR is like sitting through a lesson in life. I got to see the good and bad sides of people, worked with them, and emerged through it all with some good friendships intact. Steppers will forever retain a place in my heart no matter how distant I may seem to them. Of course, I could go on forever about the suppers that we had, the block activities, the floor decorations, the hall events... Hall life has indeed changed me.

Next comes all the other miscellaneous things that I will remember NUS for - the exchange program to Poland, the crazy E-50 FYP that I did with Lele and Sheena, the irritating CORS system, my friends from other faculties that I know from my Japanese classes, my internships, the short stint in Kendo, and so many others that are too trivial to mention. These memories have combined to give me a holistic experience of NUS and I am glad to say that I have emerged from it all the more enriched, no matter how I may feel otherwise at times.

I think I have written quite a descriptive account of my life for the past 25 years, but all that is just scratching the surface. I thank God for having provided me with a decently comfortable life for these 25 years, and for being blessed with wonderful parents, good friends, and a fulfilling life. That being said, it is only 25 years, and I still have a long walk to go. But I look forward to even greater days ahead and am believing and trusting in God to walk with me through the rest of the days in my life!

My 'birthday' has come!

2010-07-18T23:40:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I embark on the journey that some people dread, yet others embrace - the transition from an undergraduate to a working adult.

I've been offered a position at Cambridge Associates doing fund manager research. The interview process was fairly straight forward - one phone interview (where I had to really struggle to speak due to an extreme case of laryngitis), one case interview (where I put my manager evaluation skills to good use) and final background check before the offer came just one day after my Commencement. It was truly the best commencement gift I could ever receive!

Once again, God has proven to me that He has come true for me, and at the opportune time. I could not have foreseen that I would get a job so late, but He was probably moving behind the scenes, filtering out all the past job applications. Everything that I've done He must have ordained, and the long, dry season of my life is finally over!

I must admit that the entire 9 months experience has been a very trying one for me. It really tested my resolve, my confidence, my sense of self-worth, and most of all my faith in God. Through all those final round rejections and non-replies I had come to doubt my own abilities, but that was constantly overshadowed by a nagging voice in my head wondering if God was around to hear me in the first place. There were days when I would wake up feeling very angry with God for having me to wait so long, and days when I would be depressed at the thought of always being the one who experiences success the latest, if at all. There were days when I felt God was so far I couldn't bring myself to want to face Him anymore.

Then came the offer from Cambridge, and everything changed. All of a sudden, the long wait finally seems justified. The job scope is good and the pay is also decent, compared to the first offer I had with a boutique IB which paid peanuts. If there is one thing I have learnt from this job-hunting process, it must have been that God will always come true, but at His timing and not your own. But the key thing is to never, ever give up believing that everything will work out in the end, and to stick to the course until that moment of glory comes. I'm really glad I chose to remain with God, supported by my friends and my CG with their constant job updates and outpouring of encouragement. In the end, God did not disappoint, and I can stand here and say that another milestone has been established in my relationship with God!

Please let me get the job

2010-07-06T21:53:00.003+08:00

I don't know what else to say. After floating around for so long looking for a job I really hope that I will clinch the Cambridge Associates job. And get a good salary to go too. If God can come true for me for once the time would be NOW.

Keeping my fingers crossed...

I feel worthless

2010-05-26T21:58:00.003+08:00

After having gone through so many interviews and assessment centres, 8 months since I first started applying for jobs, I still only have one miserable offer.

They say that a man's self-esteem is linked to the career that he has. With no job on hand now, what does that make me?

Today's interview with Millennium Capital Management really made me feel how stupid I am, however interesting as it was. For all the confidence that I portray, there isn't much to back it up after all. I guess I'm just not suited for the hedge fund industry.

But if not hedge funds, then what? Private equity? Corporate finance? Both of which I have been applying to without any success. Right now I'm so spread all over in terms of my knowledge that I don't know what area to focus on.

Looks like I will really need to wait till I come back from Europe before I start finding jobs again...

Where is the God that I know, who says that He will provide? My mind is already so tired and my heart so broken already. When will I get the job that I want to do that pays well??

Who else knows how I feel? Everyone can only just encourage me to go on but no one can understand how it's like to go through what seems to be the longest dry spell in my life. Only God knows how I feel. I'm sure He knows the sorrow I am going through, but I really don't see any light at the end of the tunnel at all.

I am starting to get depressed. Someone save me with a job offer!!!! :(

We finally have a home!

2010-01-18T11:35:00.003+08:00

I had no idea what Pastor was referring to when he said that some of us already know the 'good news'. But as he started preaching the word the news finally came into light - we had secured our land for our new building! It was truly the best piece of news I had ever heard in years!

But more on the message. Pastor's message was that in order for us to succeed in getting what we want, we need to have a combination of thinking out what we want, visualizing that we already have it, constant praying and speaking it out that we will have it.

Pastor's words really got me thinking about the things that I really want in my life. And I find that there are certain things that I have always wanted, but have not come to pass. And as time went by, I grew either less interested in it, or less fervent in wanting it. And I also found that over the years I have come to have less trust in God, that He will indeed come true for me to give me the desires of my heart. Just as Pastor also prayed, visualized and spoke out for so long that we would have our own building in the marketplace, for the marketplace and to penetrate the marketplace, there were also times when he asked himself whether it would really come to pass. But then he subsequently repented and asked God for forgiveness in doubting Him in the first place.

I too, want to ask God for forgiveness in having grown to distrust God and His promises. If anything, evidence points to the fact that the people who eventually get what they want never stop asking and believing God for those things. It all boils down to perseverance and trust in knowing that God will provide for us! Immediately after the prayer that Pastor made asking for forgiveness came forth the results of his labour, with the plot of land falling into his hands. Indeed, I too will believe whole-heartedly again that I will eventually land a high-paying job that I truly love to do, despite my lack of job interviews and offers now. Also, I will believe that God will provide me with a companion in life, one whom I truly desire and can communicate perfectly with.

Though my heart struggles against what I have just said, I will choose faith over my own heart and mind and believe for greater things to come in 2010!

A great way to start the year...

2010-01-04T01:21:00.003+08:00

Finally got down to watching 1 Litre of Tears, the supposed tear-jerker J-drama that got everyone red-eyed a few years back. Finished it in 2 days and I must say that it truly is the saddest drama I have ever seen in my life.

I felt that the most touching moments in the show were those that highlighted the different levels of relationships that Aya had with the people around her:

(1) Mother-daughter: A mother's love for her child really knows no bounds, as time and again Aya's mother did everything she could to be there for her, encouraging her even at the expense of herself.

(2) Father-daughter: The Dad in this drama conveyed his genuine feelings in desiring the family to live together happily by being as vulnerable, if not more vulnerable than Aya's mother. He always manages to get the house's finances together even though they are not very well-to-do.

(3) Boy-girl: I am undermining the complications they faced in their relationship here but suffice to say that his unwavering love for her despite her condition all make for a moving case of love triumphing against all odds.

(4) Friendships: Aya's sense of attachment to her high school life in Higashikou, together with her two best friends exemplified the bonding that true friends share. The scene where she decides to leave Higashikou nailed the type of emotions that people have when good friends have to bid each other goodbye.

(5) Doctor-patient: Aya's courage to live on and fight the disease, even to the day of her death was a continuous source of inspiration to the doctor who was in charge of her. It's wonderful to see how much we can all learn from one another, despite our backgrounds.

(6) Siblings: Aya became the role model for her siblings, especially her younger sister Ako and her younger brother Hiroki. Hiroki's episode where he felt ashamed of her own sister, but subsequently realized his mistake was very touching.

In summary, this drama has really made me do an introspective look into my life, and made me want to live my life better than the way I am living it now. I have not been inspired so much by something for a long, long time already. Really, if someone who has suffered so much in her life can still fight on to lead a meaningful life, what more can I do when I am 100% able bodied? I will seriously need to re-look at how my health is like today, as well as whether I am truly making an impact to the people around me...

Last thing I wanted to say is that my thoughts here are really jumbled up! I really have more things to say that may be hidden within these lines... But maybe I can do that after re-watching the drama again? Lol...

End of year post

2009-12-30T21:20:00.005+08:00

Well once again its time for my end-of-year post to conclude my thoughts, opinions and comments on the events that have transpired over this year.
If I look back at the last post I made it was way back in August 2009, the starting of Year 4 Sem 1. My absence of postings on my blog just shows how busy I had been this semester. Consequently I think I will proceed to recap more of this past semester’s events more than the first half of the year.

Looking back to the start of the year, I had just returned from my exchange overseas. Referencing my past notes that I had made then showed that I had a bunch of new year resolutions that I wanted to fulfill. Oh man. New year resolutions again? Despite me making them every year and failing to keep them for most part? But yea, I did make yet another list.

I had set out with 6 goals: Work efficiency, weight loss, academic pursuits, spiritual pursuits, personal development and business development. These six main goals translated into different sub pointers on the things that I would like to get done. The results, as at the end of the year, are as follows:

Efficiency – study effectively by making sure I understand every single point in the lecture slides, AND am able to explain it to myself without referring to it.

I believe that studies wise, my time has been spent in quite an efficient way. The main thing sucking up my time was just my CP.

Since travelling time will be incurred, I must do something productive in that time. Either read a book (non-biz/biz related) but must be something that upgrades myself. Magazines like Economist and Fortune are also acceptable.

Ever since I got my iPhone, I have been checking my mail and reading my RSS feeds while on the move, resulting in an increase in productivity while improving my knowledge base as well.

Getting an organizer to record down my appointments and schedule, and to manage my time better by RECORDING my schedule of work for the day down.

This has been done well. Brooke’s organizer gift to me has served its purpose well.

Losing weight – food intake must be carefully monitored, no more than a small serving of unhealthy snacks once every 3-4 days. At other times, healthy snacks to be consumed.

Major fail. Have not been maintaining to a healthy diet quite often, due to the ease of getting unhealthy food everywhere I go.

Buy Men’s Health to supplement my health knowledge

Did not do so. Why? I don’t think I have an excuse for this. This point is another major fail.

Exercise – to be done regularly, by running, gym and sports. Training program to be done, together with a diet log of what I have eaten in the day. This log to be kept in a separate log book from my organizer

Again another disappointment. My log stopped after March and I had failed to maintain a proper exercise regime.

Improving my knowledge in the financial world – to make it a habit to read the online news pages everyday. Also read up further on investing for my personal enrichment.

Did it for the most part when it came to newspaper reading. Investing readings could be increased, however.

Use of MySavingsAccount to purchase books that are important in helping me upgrade my financial knowledge

Did not really do so. MSA money is still sitting there.

Improving my spiritual life – Bible reading to resume according the reading plan

Increase the regularity in which I pray – Bible reading to be coupled with some quiet time

Must confess that I have not done my readings regularly, nor have been praying too. Needs major improvement.

Business ideas and creativity improvement – Notebook to be kept to record my doodlings, ideas and thoughts

This goal has been difficult to carry out tangibly right from the start as business developments occur irregularly. Not much done other than reading the usual Springwise notifications.

Overall grade for the goals that I had set out to do in 2009: 4/10

The second half of the year has really been a roller coaster ride of CP, CP and more CP. We had spent so much time on it that I had neglected all my other modules. Luckily not much time had to be spent on the other mods, which included Entrepreneurial Marketing (saved by Way Si’s report on TreeO), Japanese (usual workload only). My results this semester was my best ever in my time in NUS! Achieved 4.1 CAP, first time I had actually gone second upper. Overall, though, it did not make much difference, even as I had jumped from 3.71 to 3.79. DSC4211B and MNO2311 really pulled me down – I had got ‘B’s only for these subjects.

Moving forward, next semester will probably be my most relaxed – I will MAKE it so that it is… But with regards to my goal setting, next year’s resolution will probably be kept minimal as possible so that I can focus on getting the things done thoroughly.

So let’s see… I am tempted to say that I will focus on just one thing next years, but I don’t think that will be possible. So I will limit it down to three at the most, and they are:

Relationships. This has taken a back seat long enough. With the academic focus pretty much out of the way, I think this goal really needs to be drummed up.

Health. Year after year, I say that I want to lose weight, but if anything, my weight has only gone up. 2010 will really be the year that I need to do something about it or suffer the long-term consequences.

Work. OK this area is a big haze right now but it should clear up in the next few months.

I think I have gone through enough new year resolution setting sessions to realize that even if I set very specific goals I may still fail to achieve them simply because I lack the perseverance to monitor them. So I will just leave these three points at that this time.

My year in 2009 and my stint in doing work related to management consulting has taught me that brevity is key to messages, so I think this end-of-year note will suffice now. Till 2010 comes, adieu!

A new start...

2009-08-10T22:44:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow marks the first day of school for my final year in NUS. I will be returning to a campus where most of my peers have graduated and joined the job hunt, a campus that will be so familiar yet so foreign at the same time.

And of course, I just celebrated my 24th birthday a day ago. This year feels a little different from my other birthdays. Maybe its the fact that I am 24, that its the second cycle of the year of the Ox. Or that this year's NDP hold special meaning for me as Strikeforce is part of it. But above all this, I have been doing some soul-searching and reflection over the past 24 years of my life. I look back and I wonder what I have achieved in my life here on earth. I look at the relationships I have cultivated in my life, and wonder how many of them were actually meaningful ones. I look at the happy times and, more often than not, sad times in my life and wonder if there could have been any way to make it better. And truth be told, I don't really have solid, definite answers to all of these questions. It almost seems as if my life in the past 24 years have been of little or no consequence. Yea, that seems so pessimistic. But I wonder how many of us can honestly have good, positive answers for these questions at this point of time in our lives. If nobody could, then I'd have nothing more to say. But the fact is that there are people who can say that they have done this and this or achieved that and that. So the question is, why can't I answer in the same way?

Guess its just my emo period now that its my birthday period... Who can understand my heart?

Final week

2009-07-28T00:09:00.002+08:00

Week 12 of my internship at IDFC Capital. My time in IDFC has seemingly gone by in the blink of an eye, and the summer holidays (my last one in fact) are drawing to a close.

Many things have happened in the past few weeks. Top most off my mind is the convocation ceremony that probably half my peers from my batch have gone through already. When I return to school in August, the only familiar faces that I will see are the small bunch of us who are taking honours. It seems so surreal that 3 years have just gone by in my life as an NUS Business School student. While the memories of the orientation camps that I attended in year 1 and 2 are no longer fresh, it still seems so unbelievable that I have arrived at my final year in NUS. Met up with the CAC pp a week or two ago and I realize that my memories are fading fast... Which is why I think that it's really important for me to stay connected with the people whom I have known in my earlier days. Pity that I have never been a person good at interpersonal relationships and I have lost touch with so many of these people.

Arghhh. Discussions and reflections like this always make me feel so emo.

Back to my internship experience. These 12 weeks have certainly been an absolute eye-opener for me, where the previously closed universe of private equity suddenly flung its doors wide open in my face for me to explore. Thank God for placing me in this firm with my colleagues and bosses who are definitely the nicest people I have ever worked with in a corporate setting. Will be typing my internship report at a later date so won't say much here.

Went for a 12 or 13 lap swim today. My lap means to and fro, which is not the case according to Lyn. In any case, I am beginning to enjoy a good long swim after coming back from work. Much more relaxing and fun than running, and still burns calories. Thank God for the SAFRA card!

Nothing special

2009-06-10T00:17:00.002+08:00

My last post was in February. Oh gosh. Do I have to be reminded on how time just flies away again?

In the blink of an eye, I'm into week five of my twelve week internship... Gosh and I think I haven't learnt enough yet! Well I guess apart from being overwhelmed by info every single day (been reading reports after reports after reports) I can say that I'm pretty much settled in to the company already. The team has just been great to me so far. Everyone is friendly and casual, and there is little pressure from them. Not to say that work doesn't have to be done though. Of late I find that my mind is getting dull in the office more frequently, and I am caught in the struggle to be remain mentally alert during office hours again. DARGHH. Been contemplating seeking help for my sleeping problems and I think this is THE week to do something about it. Heh.

Other than that, I think I have plenty more to say, but this is for starters. Have to get used to the feeling of blogging again.

俺は一体なにを探しているの？

2009-02-13T23:25:00.002+08:00

今でも考えたら、「人生に何を探している」ということが答えられない。

自分で考えなかったか？

そうじゃなくて、実はこの質問よく聞いているよ。

だけど、いい答えが作れない。

何でほかの人たちは幸せそうな生活が生きられるの？

俺はなぜそんな簡単に幸せになれない？

心の問題なの？性格なの？

何回も自分を聞いても満足できる答えがない。

I have to be better

2009-01-31T11:26:00.002+08:00

I realise that I have not been following my goal plan seriously enough. Really.

I need to be more focused, even though I feel like I am more focused than I have ever been in my 2 years in NUS this semester.

The Farseers talk on Futures trading also gave me nudge on my shoulder as I realised how inadequate I was in terms of my market knowledge. I have to be more well-rounded in my knowledge of markets around the world, not just the US! There is so much out there to learn and find out... I know nothing about forex, futures, commodities, options etc... Only know about equities, and even then I know very little about it as well. Arrrghhhhh~

I have to read up more. Textbook knowledge is good but NOT enough. The really good people out there are good not only because they managed to excel in their textbook knowledge, but they knew about the practical matters as well. I must know more about debt markets and its structures, capital markets and their instruments, I have to read up on Forbes, Economist to gain more insight into the economics, politics and social issues as well.... Must know more about private equity, investment banks, mutual funds also!!

I have to expand my capacity to learn. Must do things faster, more efficiently without having to go back to the same thing again. Commit things into memory quickly and never forget them, especially finance related stuff.

I have to improve myself. i have to i have to i have to i have to.

行け~~~~~~!!!

A hauntingly beautiful track

2009-01-18T23:04:00.004+08:00

暁の車
南里侑香
機動戦士ガンダムSEED

風さそう木陰に俯せて泣いてる　
見も知らぬ私を私が見ていた
逝く人の調べを奏でるギターラ　
来ぬ人の嘆きに星は落ちて

行かないで、どんなに叫んでも　
オレンジの花びら静かに揺れるだけ
やわらかな額に残された　
手のひらの記憶遥か
とこしえのさよならつま弾く

優しい手にすがる子供の心を　
燃えさかる車輪は振り払い進む
逝く人の嘆きを奏でてギターラ　
胸の糸激しく掻き鳴らして

悲しみに染まらない白さで　
オレンジの花びら揺れてた夏の影に
やわらかな額を失くしても　
赤く染めた砂遥か越えて行く
さよならのリズム

思い出を焼き尽くして進む大地に　
懐かしく芽吹いて行くものがあるの

暁の車を見送って　
オレンジの花びら揺れてる今も何処か
いつか見た安らかな夜明けを　
もう一度手にするまで
消さないで灯火　
車輪は廻るよ

Shaded by the trees, calling out to the wind, I'm lying face-down crying
I saw a version of myself I didn't even recognize
On this guitar I'm playing the melody of someone who's passed on
A star falls in the grief of someone who'll never be seen again

Please don't go, no matter how much you scream,
all it will do is quietly stir these orange petals
Saved on my soft brow,
I send the memories in my palm far away
An eternal farewell as I keep strumming

The heart of a child clinging to a gentle hand
The blazing wheels cast it off and continue on
On this guitar I'm playing the grief of someone who's passed on

In the pure white unstained by sorrow,
the orange petals stirred in a summer shadow
Even if my soft brow is lost,
I'll cross over the far off, red-stained sand
The rhythm of farewell
The strings in my heart being plucked at violently

Branded into my memories, on the ever-turning earth,
there is something sprouting in remembrance

Sending off the dawn's carriage
Those orange petals are stirring somewhere even now
The peaceful daybreak I once saw
Until it is placed in my hands once more,
please don't let the light go out
The wheels are turning

An end to my 6 month holiday

2009-01-12T00:14:00.007+08:00

January the 12th, which I have just went into 15 minutes ago, marks the day I finally end the longest holiday I have ever taken in my life - a good seven month break since the end of my exams in mid-May 2008. Today I will embark on the second semester of my third year as a business student in NUS. Being in such a senior student has made me think a lot about the life I have had so far in NUS. I think about my hall days and look back fondly when I had so much fun there doing hall activities, including those that I didn't really enjoy. I look back at my orientation camp days way back in 2006 and thank God that I am still with the Frizen people, though we all will be going our separate ways in terms of attending classes. I look back at the orientation camp we organized for the freshies in 2007 where I got to work with some of the brightest minds in NUS Bizad. I look back at my days in Steppers, and my one short year as a kendoka. I look back at my participation in NUS United for Emerge 2007 and marvel at the number of good friends I have known from that event. And I think, I am really blessed to have had such a good life in NUS so far.

Of course, this semester marks my first time since I came into NUS that I will not have a hall to return to. My perspectives have changed quite a lot since then; as I was sharing with Justin, the result of my stint overseas in Europe has made me conclude that there were times in year 2 sem 2 that I really felt that I had done my best, but then again I don't think I had looking back. The key lies in the way I studied. My experience in Temasek has taught me what REAL detail in looking at things is like and I will apply this to whatever may come my way from now on. So having been back from the long break, I can finally say that I have rested well enough and am ready to begin battling again. Battling for my grades, for my fitness, for my personal life - there are many things that I want to fight for in 2009. And I also realize there is a lot of work to be done. But like what Justin told me, we don't strive to aim for perfection at the start - we only need to be better today than we were yesterday. Abiding by this principle, and given time, the eventual glory that we seek will certainly come one day. That is something I will keep close to my heart as I start 2009.

じゃ、2009 年を成功させて、行け！！！

My highlights of Europe

2009-01-07T18:07:00.003+08:00

So I've been back in Singapore for five days already... And we're a week into the new year. Time really flies! I was going to do a final blog post before I flew back here listing all the things that I would miss in Europe, but I suppose that was mostly covered in my previous post in Warsaw. Nonetheless, I will mix it in together with the list of highlights of my trip to Europe here today...

Here it goes (in chronological order):

0) Buckingham Palace & Westminster: London, UK. OK I started with zero cos I remembered this after I wrote my ninth item and I'm lazy to change all the numbers just for one - no autonumbering on blogger.com ya... Hmm anyway these two places were my first look at the lavishness of royal palaces and stuff like that, so it was a super eye-opening experience. Imagine seeing the guide book's pictures jump to life while I was in the room, and you get an idea of how excited I felt to be there.

1) Oxford, UK. One of the most highly esteemed universities in the world and there I was, walking along the streets where famous politicians, cardinals and judges had once walked in their younger days. Even the atmosphere to the place was very different. Overall, would have woken up earlier to catch the earlier bus so that I had more time to see the rest of the colleges.

2) The Louvre: Paris, France. This helluva museum is way too big for a museum in my opinion - you could get lost wandering in it! With galleries full of Egyptian artifacts, Greek sculptures and of course painting masterpieces, it is definitely worth visiting even if you are not a museum person.

3) Interlaken: Switzerland. This was simply the BEST TRIP EVER in terms of going to see the 大自然, and the icing on the cake was Jungfraujoch, top of Europe. I will always remember the freezing weather outside the building, where winds were so strong I felt myself lift off the ground once, albeit for a split second. But still, what a great place it was!

4) Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp: Oswiecim, Poland. Was rather disappointed by the relative emptiness of the Birkenau camp but the fact that I was at such a historical place was sufficient enough.

5) Budapest, Hungary. This trip was a SUPER PLUS PLUS - we had damn good accomodation, very good Chinese food not far from our place, and a great bath experience. Oh and the night view of this place is the best I've ever seen. Coupled with the fact that there were less tourists around, everything turned out to be good for this trip.

6) Edinburgh: Scotland, UK. Hahaha. Need I say more about my favourite place? I had already fallen for Edinburgh before I came to Europe because of the military tattoo, and the place became alive for me as I walked the single road leading to the entrance of Edinburgh castle. Also, as a city, where else can you find their main district mixed together with their imperial palace AND still contain a beautifully shaped hill beside it? What a wonderful combo it was!

7) Howth: Dublin, Ireland. This entirely individual foray to the edge of Dublin was mooted when I read it on Wikipedia. Having seen enough of built up places I decided to embark on this little hiking excursion on my second day in Dublin, which was quite rewarding.

8) Guiness brewery: Dublin, Ireland. Entering a brewery for the first time in my life, the Guiness brewery appeared to be very sleek, elegant and modern. The inside of the reception building was seven storeys high and the centre was a hollow space shaped like a Guiness beer mug. How cool is that?!

9) Amsterdam, Netherlands. Hahah sin city of Europe. What else would you do there? Tried for the first (and probably the last) time some weed and shrooms. That in itself is an experience already. Enough said.

10) The palaces in Vienna. Absolutely absolutely beautiful, and enormously huge. While we visited in winter, imagine how the vast gardens of the Schloss Schonbrunn would have been like in summer. OMG. That in itself is a reason worth visiting Vienna again when I'm back in Europe.

11) The Vatican City and Museums. The seat of the most powerful man in the largest faith in the world (I think), his collections of art in the Vatican museums are simply stunning, especially in the Raphael rooms and the Sistine chapel, where Michaelangelo did his masterpiece. My jaws dropped when I saw the chapel! All the walls were canvasses for his paintings... Wow.

Hmm for the places and all I think that should be it, but I still have a bunch of experiences, some quite random, that I want to list here so that I will never forget:

- I will miss Swiss chocolates. Their range of flavours and brands is astonishing! But in particular I will miss the rum flavoured one that I bought. Couldnt find it anywhere outside of Switzerland. Sigh.
- The bratwurst and currywursts of Berlin. Arrrghhh they are like how nice!! Ate that every day I was in Berlin and still not sick of it. And of course, Lemke, the wheat beer that we tried in one of the restaurants Michael found on his guide book - it was so smooth and made for easy drinking!
- The baths in Budapest. They are oh-so-shiok!! Could easily spend a full day there just relaxing in the baths, whether it be swirling above or around the jet pools or letting the fountain's water splash on the back of my head and shoulders giving a therapeutic water massage.
- French macarons! Laduree's macarons are not cheap, but really nice. Compare that to S$1.50 per macaron in Bakerzin back here with about 30% reduction in size...
- Fauchon. One of the atas patisseries in Paris, where the pastries look so good they shouldn't be eaten in the first place.
- Belgian chocolates. Chocolate shops abound everywhere we walked! Everything looked so nice and tasty, but too bad we didn't have the money nor the stomach to eat it all.
- The bagpipe music of Scotland. I have this soft spot for bagpipe music. I think it sounds very nice! Reminiscent of all things Scottish, like Braveheart, Highlanders and military tattoos.
- The gelato in Italy!!! Giolitti is the name of the shop that Lina took me to, and the scoops of gelato are like how cheap! At a mere 1 Euro per scoop, you could eat that every day man! Just to try one flavour a day would take you about a month!
- The Viennese schnitzels. Gigantic, meaty, super filling. I already feel full just thinking and describing it. Moving on...
- Prague castle. One of the most beautiful castles in Europe in my opinion. And of Prague in general too, because of our 'unique' experience during one of our nights there.

Oh, and since I'm at it, I might as well put down the things and experiences that I WON'T miss in this trip:

1) Being mugged in Brussels. The couple who did it were really smooth in taking my money out of my wallet, and thinking back I really wonder why I was so gullible to let them touch my wallet in the first place. @#&! those two and may a car knock them over leaving them paralyzed for the rest of their lives, having to beg from the streets just to get enough money for a meal once every few days...

2) The unhelpful behaviour of the French and Italian people. More so for the French, especially when you speak English to them. Case study: Our experience at MacDonalds where that stupid black French woman gave us shitty service and (no pun intended) a black face even before we ordered.

3) Dining in Dublin, where prices average from 10 Euros for lunch that isn't filling to 20 Euros and up for dinner. Not many kebab and convenience stores around to help too. Arrghhhh.

4) Waiting at the Astronomical Clock in Prague. This ridiculous ritual is performed year in, year out every hour, and I STILL don't know why some people applaud after the little men finish their unspectacular routine.

5) Being sweared at in Poland. Freaking Polish are little ignorant, uneducated, low-life and loser punks with nothing better to do in their lives than to go around pepper-spraying people. Its like how a beggar on the street goes up to a rich man and spits and looks down upon him, believing that he is superior. If I have not made my point clear, the 'beggars' are the Polish and we Asians are the 'rich men'.

OK I think that's enough for a list of negative things. Overall, my trip has been so enjoyable that I feel that it was really the best time of my life. The feelings of being able to wake up late in the morning and then still take my time to do my own things, the stress-free environment of just attending lessons without requiring much revision and without any weekly assignments, being able to entertain thoughts on whether I would like to go clubbing or drinking at this or that party... The feelings of going on an overseas trip every other weekend, the wonderful gorging of food and reckless consumption of alcohol... truly these are experiences that one can only go through as a student, and one that will never come again once working life starts. As such, I am thankful to have been given this experience to keep in my heart, stories that I can pass down to other people and knowledge that I can keep that has really broadened my way of thinking and understanding of the world outside of Asia.

For now, school is starting in four days and I need to prepare myself mentally for it... Having slacked for so long, it is finally time to get my arse moving again! 俺はきっと頑張るよ！

My final thoughts in Warsaw

2008-12-22T08:32:00.003+08:00

I hate farewells.

Another 24 hours and I'll be on my way to Gatwick airport headed for Rome. With that, my exchange in Warsaw would have come to an end. While my time here may have had its ups and downs, Warsaw will still be a place that I can never forget. The people I've met here and the experiences I had are memories that I will carry with me till I breathe my last in this world...

With that, here's a list of all the things, big or small, that I will miss when I leave Warsaw...

1) Berlinki sausages. Simply the best brand of sausages u can find here, followed closely by Indykpol cheese filled sausages. Mmmmm. They have become an inseparable part of my diet here, together with...

2) Dominium pizza. Where else can you get a medium pizza for only 17 zlotys (S$8.50 at the current exchange rate)? The best value deal for fast food ever. This sinful food has definitely been one of the main contributors to my weight gain while on exchange. The other being:

3) Beer. A beverage so ubiquitous in Europe that its cheaper than mineral water. Needless to say, its freaking freaking cheap compared to alcohol back in Singapore. Which explains my mindless chugging of mugs and bottles and cans of it whenever, wherever.

4) Weather. Not just in Warsaw, but in Europe. Being here for several months has increased my tolerance towards cold weather. No more whining that the air-con is cold at 15 degrees celsius when I'm back in Singapore, given my acclimatization to temperatures with a single digit. Speaking of which, I wonder how I am going to survive at 25 degrees celsius when I'm back. I'll be kaobei-ing about how hot it is all day long...

5) Snow! There were a few days consecutive during November in which it snowed in Warsaw. Sadly shortlived, as I won't be seeing any more snow in Europe... London is warmer than Warsaw and Rome is definitely warmer than London. Sigh. What a limited experience, but still a beautiful one while it lasted.

6) Hortek Multivitamin fruit juice. Simply the best fruit juice ever. At around 4 zloty for a 1L carton, its a steal that complements a cooked dinner perfectly.

7) Cooking. My cooking skills must have improved by 1000% since I came here, from being a total idiot when being in the kitchen to being able to cook up a few decent dishes. Cooking with Zeyi was a real pleasure and I will always remember the dinners we had together. Time would pass by so quickly and we would spend an hour or two every day just on a meal. How many of us would be willing to spend more than 15 minutes on a meal during semester in Singapore?

8) Partying like there's no tomorrow. What would an exchange be without parties? Starting with the orientation week's daily parties of which I dutifully attended 4 or 5 out of 7 - home parties, parties at clubs, private parties, Asian parties, u name it, I've been through it... and what a blast it was! Not to mention being really drunk at one or two of them... Of course, besides the drinking, there was the company of all the Erasmus students... Which leads me to the next and most important point:

9) The friends that I've met in Warsaw. It is the people here that have made my stay in Warsaw so memorable. This is something I could go on for a very very long paragraph on. But in a nutshell, I am really thankful to have met this bunch of wild, warm and sometimes crazy people in Sabinki. I have never regretted staying in Sabinki despite the various forms of irritation that occurred in the course of my stay here, like being woken up by party music at 3am in the morning. The number of Erasmus and non-Erasmus students that I've met here are testimony to the liveliness and vibrancy of the dormitory.

I will miss (in no particular order of importance): Markus my roommate, who's back in Germany now, for the wonderful times we've spent together in Sabinki; Martin, the Polish guy at the end of my corridor that is cool, hunky and helpful all at the same time; David and his room mate Angelo, for their wackiness and crazy behavior, especially when they are drunk; Claire for her Scottish bubbly nature; my buddy Ewa who was really sooooo helpful when I just arrived in Warsaw assisting with my settling in to Sabinki; Kasia (Kate), whom I found to be so interesting to talk to and was one of the first Polish whom I met with during my first night at the club; Tom, the Hungarian guy who is always fun to talk to; the Asians, which have been my constant source of companions and joy every time we gather for whatever reason -- Lina, Gina, Minho, Yuna, Julie, Lin, Angela, Michael, Sada, Amy, Karen, Fred, Aki, Meiyin, Peiying, Teck Wee, Zeyi, Felix, Melissa, Merilyn, George, Rachel; the rest of the Germans who, like my room mate turned out to be such fun people, like Bartek, Bastion, Karen, Sonja and Felix, and the Portuguese, who are a wacky and destructive bunch (kidding) when grouped together in large numbers -- I will always remember the pyramid game at Jose's place; all the others that I have failed to mention on this post for now due to a memory lapse at 3am in the morning. These Erasmus students are truly friends that I will regrettably only get to see again in a future where I am no longer carrying a student status. But I will continue to keep in touch with them on Facebook, and pray that God will somehow arrange for us to meet again, either in Europe or in Asia...

Other random things that I will miss about Warsaw:

- Being able to walk 5 minutes from SGH and reaching my dorm for a quick nap in between classes

- Sleeping in for 8,9,10 or even up to 12 hours after a night of partying -- sleep is really medicine for the soul

- Being able to take a stroll in a park, something unfathomable in sunny and humid Singapore

- Shopping trips to Tesco and Carrefour, where I can spend up to 2 hours each time walking through the aisles of the hypermarkets

- Learning phrases in various languages -- no doubt most of them involve either drinking or swearing, but what fun it was nonetheless

- Sabinki kitchen parties that last till late with music blasting and the added benefit of having no one complaining about it -- try doing it in KR at half blast and see what happens to u

- The familiar feeling of my room 456 everytime I come back from weekend trips, where I would be so exhausted the bed becomes such a wonderful invention in my opinion

- Kasia, the exchange coordinator who has been so accommodating of us and so patient to our requests, even when the course registration screwed both her and us many times over; really will miss her cheerful nature

- Studying so freaking little. Like I was telling Edo, imagine a typical NUS semester workload. Now imagine 10% of it. That's the maximum maximum amount of effort I put into studying for ALL my modules here combined. Which amounts to about just a week. =)

- Waiting eagerly every Tuesday for Prison Break from Samuel's laptop - Prison Break fever hit a high while I was here. WHERE IS SCYLLA??!! Lol...

Do I have any regrets about coming to Warsaw? When I look at everything that I have typed above, my answer would be a loud and resounding NO. Despite the pepper spray attacks, the random verbal abuses we've suffered from delinquent idiots, the multiple screw-ups of the online course registration and the pain of trying to communicate with all those who can't even speak a word of English, my experience in Warsaw has been nothing short of being the best time in my life. And I really mean it with all my heart. Never have I ever felt so blissful and so free of stress in my life, and I am thankful to God for having arranged everything. And I know that with time the details of my memories here will fade, but I will have my photos, and this blog to remind me of the fantastic time I had here as an exchange student.

Thank you, all the people who have made my exchange possible. Like NUS Bizad, and of course MOM and DAD, and MFA for their extra source of money.

Thank you, all the people whom I've met here and may never meet again for various reasons. May God bless you all and be successful in all your future endeavours. And for those whom I will meet again in the near future, in the words of Markus, STAY AS YOU ARE -- you guys are as wonderful and perfect as you already are.

Most of all, thank you Lord, for making all these possible in the first place. I have finally found the resolution to go on again and to persevere when I get back to Singapore, having been refreshed from my time here.

Christmas is around the corner, and its time once again to take stock of our lives and what has happened this year. I will consolidate my thoughts in a separate post, should I be given the opportunity to blog again. Meanwhile, Rome beckons...

Countdown to the end of SEP

2008-12-08T00:38:00.002+08:00

I have less than a month before I return to Singapore!

Looking back at my SEP, I have so many things that I will remember for the rest of my life. All the places I have been to, all the people whom I have met, the things that I have tried for the first time, the things that I will never try again, the days that I felt so happy (which is most of the time), and the days that I did not feel so (which may add up to a grand total that I can count with my fingers)... And the things that SEP made me think about (OK this one is tough to explain, and I need to be in the right mood to do it). I'm indeed very blessed to have been given this opportunity to be in SEP. I would not trade my SEP experience for anything else... Hahaha

OK enough of all this. Saying more will make me feel sad, which I don't want to think about till its really time to go.

I have an exam tomorrow and my studying has been like how slack. Started on Friday evening and I have just taken a three hour break. Haha! Not saying that this module is easy though... If the prof wanna tekan me tomorrow there are lots of things he can ask me that I will only be able to answer 'uhhh...'. But I think given his old age and all he won't be so nitpicky on the ORAL exam... Yup! Its a freaking ORAL exam for people who are leaving early. No test papers, no essay questions, just talk. My last oral exam for Competitive Strategies lasted a full 10 minutes with two questions that made me think that had I burnt all my notes and not studied I would still have been able to answer. And I got an A for it! Hahahhaha studies here are wickedly slack... Maybe its just for Erasmus students since Kate told me she felt otherwise... Met her up for coffee and had a great time chatting with her. It was nice to have some real conversation taking place instead of being in the clubs all the time and making weather talk since the music made any form of conversation impossible. And I must find some time to meet up with Ewa too before I go off. Will require some planning since I don't have a lot of days left in Warsaw. Next Wednesday night to Monday I'll be in Vienna, the second last trip of my SEP. I figure it will truly be a beautiful time to see the city, hopefully it will be (it should be right?) covered in snow. And after that its seven more days before I check out of Sabinki and leave Warsaw for good.

Till the end of my exams tomorrow afternoon, where I figure I might have more stuff to add, I will return to my land of forex and financial markets...

I am getting emo.

2008-11-24T06:46:00.003+08:00

I have exactly one more month in Warsaw before I fly to London... And come to think of it, my SEP will then come to an end.

Been reflecting on how my life here has been and I must say that I will certainly miss it when I am back in Singapore. But there are friends back home that I will love to meet up with. I miss them!!

But I somehow wonder if they have missed me at all?

YAYYYY

2008-11-07T04:45:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I will be embarking on the second major tour leg of my exchange, where I will be going to Edinburgh(WOOHOO!!), Dublin, Amsterdam and finally Brussels. Hmm. Going to be costly since there are 2 UK cities within, but 2k seems alright. Hopefully I'll emerge with cash to spare -- need to start thinking about saving for my drum set after exchange...

Oh man oh man. Edinburgh! The place I've always always wanted to go ever since knowing that the Military Tattoo is held there every year... Of course, it would be so different without getting to see the Top Secret Drum Corp performing, but still, the castle looks magnificent... Not to mention Arthur's seat which will definitely give us a damn good view of the city! SOOOO looking forward to it... Hopefully my enthusiasm for the city won't raise my expectations of it too high and end up disappointed instead should things there not be as fantastic as I thought it would be...

Today Markus left for Freiburg to go home over the long weekend. FINALLY I GET THE ROOM TO MYSELF!! ahahhahh.... No more early lights out, I can blast my music with my speakers without having to use my earphones... Freedom! Finally feels more like my KR room... Hhahaha I miss my room in KR so much!

Exciting things to come - will be meeting Shin Fei in Amsterdam to go sightseeing one of the days probably. Haha. Haven't seen her in ages! Amsterdam - what else can I say? ;) And of course, Brussels with the truffles (they kinda rhyme!).

Shiok shiok shiok. Hahaha~~

Prague updates

2008-10-30T06:46:00.002+08:00

OK I have been v slow to update on this to the point that I feel like not doing it, but Prague is such a nice place that I must jot down something here...

So we went on a night train last Wednesday and the train we took was soooo much better than the one we took to Budapest! It was much newer and we had a good night's sleep. But we got off at the wrong stop! Supposed to be Praha hl n. but we got off at Smichov instead. Hai. Took a free tram ride to our hostel area and located it fairly quickly. Weather was cold but the view of St Henry's tower was nice!!

After checking into our hostel, we decided to cover the right bank of Prague. We went to Wenceslas square, and then swung around to the towers, St Henry's and the Powder Tower (yes, a v weird name for a tower) where the municipal theatre was. That place was so beautiful! I only saw the night photos of the municipal building but it looked so gorgeous already.

Lunch was at this restaurant recommended by the AZ hostel's receptionist, which was quite good. I had beef with cream sauce and bread with a pint of beer for only 120 korunas! Which is like about 10 sgd only lor... Damn cheap. Afternoon we then continued our journey to the remaining attractions on the right bank, the Astronomical clock and Old Town square. Moving on we headed for Charles bridge where we took some photos and then decided to end off for the day.

After dinner came the ghost tour, which was SUPER SUPER SCARY... NOT. All of us felt damn ripped off lah. Where got ghost tour start at 8pm and walk around the old town where there were still so many people walking around?! And we paid 200 korunas for that tour! ARRGGHHG.

Second day we headed over to the left bank where we saw the Castle, which is supposedly the largest in Europe. Prague castle is a place with many smaller castles and a main one, where we spent our afternoon exploring the cathedral (can't recall the name but its the one u always see whenever a Prague postcard comes to ur hand). Went up the Petrina Tower at night and then to a jazz bar for some shitty jazz music which we paid 100 korunas for. Arrrhghgh. Blunder number 2.

Third day: Spent the day in the castle, where we learnt that the old royal palace was closed. Arghhggh. Blunder number 3. Finished up the rest of the castle and I personally forgot to bring out my ticket so I din get into some of the places - blunder number 4. The Macs staff weren't too nice to us as well and dinner with Kelvin and CK, the SMU pp on exchange in Prague din turn out that well either. Blunder number 5.

To top it all off, on the Sunday morning we were supposed to take the train back, we got up at 9.15am and our train was at 10am. So we took a saunter down for a cheeseburger (mmmm) and then Zeyi noticed that the parking machine's time was set to 8.20am. We thought it strange and as we walked along the way to the central rail station there were some clocks that said 9.20 instead. Our worst fears were realized when we reached the train station and realized that the daylight savings had been removed on that day and it became 1 hr earlier. WTH right. At least it was an hour earlier and not later, if not we would have missed our train... Blunder number 6.

Overall, the trip to Prague was really nice. With the exception of blunders 1 to 6, everything else about Prague was nice. Oh, and maybe the freaking cold weather too. Definitely a place worth visiting once or twice more. Now out of the Habsburg cities I have only one more to go... Looking forward to that in Dec man...

Updates!!

2008-10-22T04:06:00.000+08:00

Realize that I havent been updating this space, so here goes...

Been travelling around for the past two weekends: I went to Krakow from 10-12 October, and then Budapest from 17-19 October.

First, Krakow. We went to the Wieliczka (dont know if this is the right spelling!) salt mines, which was pretty OK. We saw how the miners from days past did their work in the mines... The mines were very deep! We had to climb down 65m (about 400 over steps I think) to the first level of the mines, which then just kept going down even deeper. Kinda cool in the end when we took the elevator up which zoomed up like the kind of lifts u would take at a skyscraper...

Second day we went to the old town for a tour and some OTOT. Krakow is quite a nice place, the buildings' architecture was very beautiful, especially their palace church whose name escapes me now. It is the most important church in Krakow (and possibly Poland) as it was where the kings were coronated. The elegant marble pillars, with high overarching roofs and golden sculptures and ornaments within were just so breathtaking to behold! After we split I went off for lunch with Karen, Sonja and Angela in a restaurant where we kena cheated like mad... 15 zl for a simple bigos meal! Luckily it was still quite nice although it wasnt what I expected it to be like. Subsequently I went around with Angela to the Barbican to take some photos and then headed back to the hostel to await the night's party to begin. Yea, even when we are in Krakow we still go clubbing and partying every night. Haha...

But the highlight of the trip was reserved for the last day. We took a bus ride to Auschwitz, what some people consider to be the saddest place on earth. For the historically ignorant pp out there, Auschwitz was a German concentration camp set up in the 1940s for the purpose of implementing the Final Solution to the Jewish problem, as described by Hitler -- systematic extermination of the Jews in the camp's gas chambers. We reached Auschwitz I camp first where the main exhibits were and spent a good 2 hours plus inside listening to the guided tour. All along the way many of the exhibits had actual German documents of the camp displayed in the glass casings, and unfortunately for me I couldn't understand what they meant -- I would have gained a much better understanding of what was going on then. I was observing the German Erasmus students as we were touring around the camp and while I did not notice any extreme looks of sadness, the general atmosphere of the place was very subdued and solemn. It was as if the ghosts of yesteryear were still there, lingering around the corners of the shadows in the buildings that used to house them. Inside the buildings we saw collections of all the belongings of the people that were sent there - there were rooms full of pots, combs, prayer shawls, suitcases, shoes, and - the most disgusting of all - human hair. The guide told us that there were about 2 tons of hair in that gigantic display case, representing about 40,000 people who died there and had their hair shaven and then used to make textiles. OMG. How freaking cruel and disgusting right. We then headed to Birkenau camp, the largest camp of them all, which turned out to be quite a disappointment because most of the buildings were already destroyed with only a few still standing. Nonetheless, it was still a good visit and I think that it was time well spent.

And now, for the latest updates on Budapest. Freaking long post I know...

So we took a 12 hour (arrrghhh!!) train to Budapest where we were welcomed into our apartment hostel by a friendly middle aged guy. He noted that the apartment we would be staying in used to be inhabited by the bishops of the St Stephen's church, right next to our place. Wow. A bit of history there for you. First day was for us to nua, and so we went to Szechenyi for the thermal bath. I tell u, thermal bath ROCKS man!!! The warm pool was so relaxing and we could just park ourselves at the spot where the fountain spewing water out was and have a back massage by the jet of water on our backs. At the other pool we played with what I call the pool 'merry-go-round', and sat around lazing while the jets of water did their work.

On the second day, we went sightseeing at the usual tourist attractions, including the Royal Castle, Fisherman's Bastion, the Chain Bridge and the Parliament house. The night view of these places is simply AMAZING!! You HAVE to be there to experience the beauty of the lights as they shone on the building facades. And finally, on the last day, we went to St Stephen's Basilica, and subsequently Felix and I went up to the Citadella which is the highest point in Budapest, and the view was superb!! Shag climb up though, cos we were rushing to get into the Gellert thermal bath. Alas, we were told that it was already closed by the time we chiong back down. WAH LAO.

John, one of the SMU guys met us to bring us around. He was quite a forthcoming and warm person and brought us to this very nice bar which is like an apartment space, with all the old furniture still remaining. Tried Palinka, their Hungarian liquor and it was so-so only. AND - get ready for this - they speak ENGLISH!! No communication barriers and everyone was so friendly and nice to us. HAhah... Makes me start wondering why I never applied to Corvinus. Hai!! Went a little bar-hopping before returning to our apartment.

On the third day, the other guys wanted to go to the Gellert, but I managed to climb up Citadella with Felix. The view was spectacular!

Later on in the evening we went to this Chinese restaurant for dinner. It was the first time since I've been in EUROPE that the chinese food actually feels and tastes like real chinese food! It was a superb meal cos we all ate a lot and still the bill came up to about 10 sgd per person or less...

On the whole, Budapest was one of the best weekend trips and I am surely looking forward to Prague tomorrow!

pissed

2008-10-10T07:15:00.002+08:00

If there is one thing that really pisses me off, its people who disturb my sleep...

In my opinion, inconsiderate neighbours should:

1) All be given 500000 slaps on their face to wake up their stupid idea

2) Have their ears cleaned with cotton buds the size of tennis balls to unclog their friggin earwax-choked ears

3) Be stripped and tied up at the rooftop, where they will be subject to the cold winds of Warsaw WITH continuous blasting of their speakers right next to their ears at maximum output for 24 hours straight without food, water or rest to fully let them experience the 'wonderfulness' of their music

4) Have their speakers burnt in front of them as soon as they beg for mercy from treatment number 3 above

5) Be kicked out of the hostel with nothing but their clothes, and have their possessions split among the rest of the people who were affected by the noise pollution they were causing. Serve you right for being so freaking inconsiderate to others who need rest.

Damn I HATE people who don't spare a thought for others, whose vocabulary is so limited as not to contain the word 'considerate' and whose intelligence is so low as to be unable to handle the concept of 'harmonious communal living'. Screw you all!

My head feels light.

2008-10-10T00:02:00.000+08:00

From two things: one, the beer I had yesterday at Park. My capacity to consume beer has just increased by half a glass. Went back feeling absolutely tired, thirsty and hungry. And the other from going to the salon today to trim what my Wing SM used to refer to as 'overgrown grass'. Seems like everyone in Poland sports the same haircut - short, short and short, recruit style. What to do when the only means of communication between u and the hairstylist is by sign language... hai.

The sun came out today, and it was a good day to spend outdoors. As I was walking to the salon I noticed that the leaves of some of the trees along the street were already almost completely gone. It seemed like there were more leaves on the ground than there were on the branches.

Signs of change... ushering into the cold and depressing winter.

Another week ahead...

2008-10-07T05:33:00.003+08:00

You know you are feeling homesick when all it takes is a pot of Bak Kut Teh to brighten up your day.

Seriously though, the Berlin trip over the weekend was fantastic! We went to Alexanderplatz, Brandenburg Gate, the Reichstag, Charlottenburg Palace, and did some shopping. Almost made it to the sex museum but the entrance fee was ridiculous at 14 Euros. Hahaha...

Returned to school today feeling so tired. Fell asleep in both the classes I attended. And with more module registration woes to come, I am at least thankful that I will be getting a three day week should I be successful in getting all my mods and upon approval of one of the mods from NUS. Which leaves me with more time to travel!!! Lol...

OK I need to do some work now for my class discussion tmr. This will be the first time since I arrived that I am actually doing a proper homework. Hahha... Will make it quick.

Last thing: I must buy bread, then make a trip down to Lazienski park again sometime (or whichever park has ducks) and spend an hour or two feeding them. It suddenly sounds very therapeutic for me to do so.

Moving into phase 2

2008-09-30T02:51:00.002+08:00

21 days after I left Singapore, I am finally moving into phase 2 - culture shock.

According to my cross-cultural class, "symptoms of culture shock include:

- Boredom (check)
- Withdrawal
- Excessive sleep (check)
- Compulsive eating/drinking (check)
- Irritability
- Stereotyping host nationals (check)
- Hostility towards host nationals
- Homesickness (double check)

I miss everyone in Singapore!! Even though there are no lack of Singaporeans here for me to mix with (there are seven of them from SMU in any case) I really miss talking to those pp whom I've not been in contact with for a long time already.

But if there's one thing I have gained so far from the exchange, its that my ability to cook has improved 100% from the time before I left Singapore. Hahhaha... Zeyi and I are going to try cooking rice in a pot instead of a rice cooker tmr, together with luncheon meat, beansprouts and maybe some carrots and potatoes. Like a proper Chinese chai fan!! YEAH! It gets quite sian when you are always eating pasta and kebab lor.

Thank God that the internet in Sabinki is back... Almost died without internet access over the weekend. And also for the sun these past few days, although I think the sun will probably never be back again (it was cloudy weather today). And I also realize I don't have much time left in Europe, so I really need to step up on the things I need to do here to consider my exchange a 100% fruitful one.

Speaking of which, I really need to come up with a to-do-list and put it down on paper. It seems like I feel very restless and aimless without them, while in sg I was always complaining about having so many things to do. How ironic..

Slackness

2008-09-26T20:02:00.002+08:00

People say that you should relax when you come to SEP. That you should go all out and play as hard as you can, and see all the things there are to see. That SEP should be the best time in your life.

I will say yes, yes, and yes to the above statements, but I can't help but start worrying about my internship for next summer.

The recruitment process has begun in Singapore, whether I like it or not, whether I'm there or not. The big banks are looking out for people at their recruitment talks, yet I can't be there. All I can do is to start submitting my resume to them and hope for the best.

Also, I'm worried that I will start getting brain decay after playing for so long. I wonder if I should really pia like mad for my modules here, which will require me to pull up information from the far reaches of my mind. I tend to forget how to do stuff easily when I'm not immersed in it everyday. I wonder how much of my knowledge from my IA course I have left within me?

Oh yes. I realized something while doing my grocery list for today. Beer is an important commodity here. As a social lubricant, that is. Definitely helps when you need to loosen up youself a bit. Haha... Luckily its cheap here, not like in sg.

Will be going shopping soon, on the second sunny day in Warsaw where I have no lessons. Then the REAL cooking will start. Or so I hope. =)

It is a good day... to see the sunshine

2008-09-26T06:58:00.000+08:00

Today was a good day as well as a bad day.

Good day: We finally saw the sun in Warsaw for the first time since I arrived in Poland!! Wow! Temperature's not so bad when the sun's up, at about 14 degrees. By night it turns quite chilly though. I know this from first hand experience: I was out there with just a polo tee and jeans till 7pm plus and my hands were numbing up from the cold. Oh, we went to Lazienski Park by the way. Took some photos of the park and then were headed back for dinner, which then led to the 'bad day' part.

Bad day: As we were walking towards the Politechnika metro station, suddenly a guy came up from behind Felix's shoulders, took his specs off his face and proceeded to unloaded a deadly barrage of pepper spray on his face. He then went on to attack Zeyi before scampering off. Its like WTH right. Zeyi managed to give that asshole a kick but he retreated and beckoned for us to follow, which we didn't cos we could see he had a few buddies in the dark corners just behind. Not knowing how many of them there were, we decided to let it go and walk to the police station to lodge a report. That was scarcely any consolation to the pain that #*!)%#@ had caused Felix and Zeyi. Count ourselves unlucky that we had to be victims of such pranks by those little uneducated thug low-life scumbags.

I later found out from Dave, Angelo and Samuel that the Polish are actually rather nationalistic people, and we were probably the victims of a racist attack (being the large group of Asians that we were). Not a really great side of the Polish people to discover... Just yesterday, my roommate Markus and his group of German friends were also victims to drunken Polish guys punching them in the SGH bar.

What the heck is wrong with these Polish guys man? They seem so much more ill-mannered than their female counterparts. My impression of Poland has gone down by this much just because of this incident.

Eurotrip - Part I

2008-09-24T17:06:00.002+08:00

I am typing this from pure memory of what I remember about my trip (with the help of my photos), so the events and comments may not be in the best sequence. Anyway here goes:

Day 1 - London

I will always remember the sense of joy I had when the plane finally touched down at Heathrow Airport after an exhausting 13 hour flight. I was finally in London!!! The city that I've always heard about, read about, seen pictures about, and now I was there in person. Immigration was cleared and I think the UK has some extreme fear that young people are coming in illegally to work, as I was questioned on my background at the immigration counter. Luckily that didn't prove to be that much of a problem. Took a train to Paddington station which cost my friend and I about 7 pounds (first shock of the day) for a 20-min ride. From there, we took another train to Finchley, the station closest to our hostel at King's College where we would be staying. Upon arrival at the station we took the most 'xiong' journey of our life in London - dragging both our luggages along the cobbled and uneven roads of Finchley Road for 40 minutes to the hostel about 5 or 6 bus stops away. We couldn't get onto the bus cos we didn't buy a bus ticket (they don't accept on the spot purchases) and I felt so sorry for my luggage wheels. When we reached reception we were told that we were too early for checkin, and had to wait till after 12pm. Crap. We left our luggage at the counter and went out to take a walk to explore the neighbourhood. According to my friend Hampstead is a rich man's zone with a number of football celebrities taking up residence in the area. By the time we finished checking in we were not left with much time to get to Cambridge, our original plan for the day. So we went to the city centre and checked out the Buckingham Palace, walking by Trafalgar Square, and down to the Westminster region with the London Eye. It was quite a fair bit of walking but it was a good way to explore the city. Buckingham Palace by the way is so freaking cool lah! You have to go see it yourself to fully comprehend the grandeur of the place. It only opens in summer for tour and we just happened to be there at the right time. No pics to share though, photography was forbidden inside.

Day 2: London
Oxford Day! After a few hiccups in the morning due to admin stuff for our rooms, we set off on a bus to Oxford. The guy at the counter at Victoria Coach Station was really humorous and perked up our day. Again, Oxford is a place where you really have to be there to experience the beauty of the place. The Bodleian library was a location where one of the Harry Potter movies was filmed at, but sadly we couldn't enter then as it was too late. The colleges were also open for tours but most were by appointments only. We managed to squeeze in to Magdalen College which was such a magnificent school that I wouldn't mind coming to school every day just to admire the school's flower beds and gothic style architecture. Had high tea in one of the cafes there where my 'suakooness' showed when I didn't know how to eat the scones. ;) It was a fun experience though.

Day 3: Geneva
With Edlyn and Edwin arriving in London, we headed off to Luton airport for the flight to Geneva, where we were welcomed by Michelle, Edlyn's friend who was staying in Geneva. She was such a kind person and showed us around for the day, including the Geneva lake and the fountain that sprays 100m into the air. Spent the rest of the day exploring various parts of the city and ended off with a nice homecooked dinner by Duane and Michelle.

Day 4: Geneva
Spent the morning exploring their Botanical Gardens. Took some really great photos of flowers here and then headed off to the UN for our tour. Passed by the WTO on the way. We also saw the WIPO office and the Red Cross HQ on our way. The UN tour itself was OK, but it was a pity we didn't get to walk the grounds where the globe was (the one that you always see in pictures about the UN HQ). In the afternoon we headed off to CERN, where we learnt that the queue for entering into the facility itself was 3 months long, and so had to be content with just looking at it from the outside and seeing the CERN museum.

Day 5: Interlaken
I think this must have been the highlight of my trip so far. Left Geneva in the morning for Interlaken where we would be spending three days. The view from the train on the way there was spectacular! Every view felt like a postcard worthy moment - green pastures as far as you could see, farmhouses dotting the landscape, cows grazing on the lush grass - it felt so magical. Our hotel was the Baren, where the owner of the hotel was this warm and hospitable English lady who would go on to make our stay in the hotel such a wonderful experience. Explored the area near our hotel for while, and I think we retired early after going down to Interlaken Ost area to do some grocery shopping at Coop.

Day 6: Interlaken - Jungfraujoch
Decided to go up to Jungfraujoch today even when the weather conditions did not seem optimal. Breakfast at the Baren was fantastic - various hams with cheese and bread, and they had this superb cereal that had chocolate bits inside - absolutely delicious. Again, the way up to Jungfraujoch was great. However, it was at the top that it was truly wonderful. The top of Europe was about 2 degrees with super strong winds that chilled you to the bone. Apart from that, I took some of my greatest photos there, and it was such an unforgettable experience.

Day 7: Interlaken
Trekking day. Went on two of the trekking routes, one which offered us a great view of the mountains, and another one which killed our feet by making us go in a snaky path for a 500m descent. Overall it was a slower paced day where we could just take in the fresh air of Interlaken and enjoy the sights that we didn't get to see on the train.

Day 8: Paris
The city that everyone says you definitely must visit when you are in France, or Europe for that matter. Pity that we only had two days in Paris, and so we spent the first day at the Louvre, which we realized could take us a day or two more if we wanted to fully appreciate the works displayed there.

Day 9: Paris
Took a city tour that brought us to many of the famous spots around Paris. We had a pretty good tour guide who had a witty sense of humour. That tour took us till late afternoon where we had a tea break at Fauchon, which by the way is the greatest patisserie I have ever seen on Earth. The food there was simply astonishingly beautiful AND delicious! Oh, and the macarons from Laduree are a must try too. They aren't available in Singapore. What a pity.

Day 10: London
Had to leave Paris when we were just beginning to explore the place! Sad.... Spent this day in London exploring London bridge, Westminster Palace and the houses of Parliament, and made a stop at the Globe Theatre.

Alas, it was time for me to leave for Poland, where a new phase of my life in Europe would begin. But I will definitely be back!

Warsaw - Day 7

2008-09-24T06:32:00.001+08:00

So its been a week since I have been in Warsaw. The time here has been amazing, just meeting the sheer number of people from different countries and different cultures... I've met Spanish, Portuguese, German, Polish, French, Irish, Scottish, New Zealand, Indian, Slovenian, Brazilian, South Korean, Taiwanese, Chinese and of course Singaporean people so far.

My thoughts are abit out of focus now, so I shall just write whatever comes to mind by topic.

About Warsaw: Being the capital of Poland, it has a population of about 2 million people into a land area roughly similar to Singapore if you only count their city land area. It surprisingly bears resemblance to Singapore - here you can find large urban shopping malls, complete with fashion boutiques like H&M, supermarkets like Carrefour, and fast food joints like BK and Macs. Transport is generally good with their trams and a single Metro line operates underground which I understand is quite new. My school is conveniently located just beside one of the Metro stops, which is also just two stops away from the city centre. Oh, and I forgot to mention the weather here! Its a freezing 10-12 degrees on average in the day; by night it can drop to 8. Yup, its that you-can-see-smoke-if-you-breathe-out kind of temperature, and it doesn't help that it has been raining almost everyday since I arrived. But I have been on the school tour around Warsaw and its park looks very nice, definitely worth a second visit.

About school life: School life as we know it in Singapore does NOT exist in Warsaw. My university (called SGH or Szkola Glowna Handlowa - Warsaw School of Economics) administration is so screwed up that they say its normal for the first and second week classes to be cancelled or postponed because the profs are not around or the classes are oversubscribed. Coming from an Asian point of view where everything is efficient my friends and I couldn't believe the amount of confusion there was over our courses.

Of course, thats only about the academic side. People in Europe are generally so much more relaxed in their attitudes towards studies. One thing they really LOVE is to party. In my first week of orientation there were parties at different clubs every single night. I went for four of them and felt so worn out by Sunday. Now that the school term has started, parties are STILL going on in Sabinki, the dormitory where I live. It can get a little tiresome sometimes, but I enjoy the fact that we get to gather in a group and socialize over a beer or two, in a 'culture exchange' of sorts between all the different people from various nationalities. And its from here that I realize a few nuances between some nationalities. For example, people from Germany generally are very clean and proper, people from Portugal are passionate about life (and partying), people from Korea are very friendly and love to have a good laugh, etc etc... Its interesting to keep observing and find out more about these people and compare that with our stereotypes of them and see how true the stereotypes are.

About home: In our cultural understanding lecture we were told that there are 4 phases in culture shock - euphoria, depression, adjustment and acceptance. I was at the first phase but I think I am fast approaching the second phase, where I start to think about home, and actually find out more about the sociability (or lack thereof) from some of the Poles. Yesterday I went to this Vietnamese restaurant with the other Singaporeans from SMU and they served up such a huge portion of RICE with meats and vege that we were totally stuffed after the meal. Yes, RICE!!! The commodity that is so rare here that I have not eaten it since I left Singapore for Europe and suddenly missed so much when I saw it at the Vietnamese restaurant. We had a goreng pisang after that which was also scrumptuous! We left the restaurant feeling full and so reminded of local Singaporean food, 100% satisfied. I'm also missing all the people back in Singapore, having not been in much contact due to the time difference of 6 hrs... Sometimes it does feel really good to see a fellow Singaporean here when all you hear among the other people are languages that you don't understand... Never mind the language, even seeing an Asian around is good enough to make me feel more comfortable...

Thats all for now I suppose. I realize that I have not written anything for my first leg of travel in Europe as well. I will post a writeup (a shorter one than originally planned) in the next post.

Location: Warsaw

2008-09-19T02:45:00.000+08:00

Hi there. I havent been able to get an internet connection for the duration of my travelling, only the little pockets of time from going to the internet cafe to settle some SEP academic matters. But now here I am, in Warsaw (having just reached here yesterday), with a working internet connection finally. So from here on I'll be clearing up my backlog of things I have been wanting to say about my trip so far. This space will also be an opportunity for you guys (you yourselves know who I'm talking about) to find out more about what I've been doing. So sit back and watch for the next updates soon...

Pre-departure scribblings

2008-09-04T18:03:00.003+08:00

I'm writing this in a super hurry cos I'm leaving my house in 50 minutes time and I still need to get some last minute things done. Anyway just wanted to note down here that the past month has been such a great time for me, for all the times that I've met up with all the friends whom I have come to treasure in my life -- hall mates like Sherri, Sherry, the Jasmines, Perlynn, Brian, Kelvin, Yi Lynn, and all the others that I have failed to mention for lack of time -- everyone from my beloved cell group E441 like Justin, Kenneth, Koon Po, Francis, Yong Chuen, Jonathan, Victor, Lisa, Joelle, Vanessa, Tingyi, Gabriel, POS people like Titus, Natalie, Yuantai, Janice, Qingfeng, and my friends from sch, like Kathy, Genevie, You Jie, and.... have I missed out anyone? So sorry... Will include you when I have more time.

EUROPE BECKONS. The excitement hasn't fullen dawned upon me yet, but I think I will be overwhelmed when it does come. And yes, I will miss everyone back in Singapore while I am there -- no matter what you hear me say. But for now at least, let the journey of the best time in my life begin.

WOOHOOO!!!!~~

Only 18 more days...

2008-08-17T21:01:00.002+08:00

This week has been a roller coaster week of ups and downs... At work, things have not been going on so smoothly in terms of working with Jerone. I had been screwing up in getting information for him, and mostly because I did not know where to get the information. To be honest, I am still in the process of swallowing the large amounts of data and learning how to pick the right information out of it. Reviewing on my original aims when I first came into Temasek, I realize that I am still quite a distance away from the goal of being able to come up with a comprehensive model by myself - much of the work was done by Jerone using his spreadsheets. But I can say that at least for now, I have learnt how a model should be like compared to having completely no knowledge of it at all. This week has been so bad that Fung Jen has come asking me if I was alright (given the meeting on Friday in which Clarence said I produced crap data). Given the demanding nature of the work I am still very thankful for having people like Fung Jen and Nge Kong around who are ever so friendly and understanding of me. Not to say that the rest of them are bad either - its just that I have to learn from the rest how to handle the stress they impose on me.

Of course, the ups in this week have been the Singaporean women table tennis team qualifying for the Olympic finals! After an intense 3 hour plus match against the South Koreans, the women paddlers have managed to scrape through by a superbly narrow margin (1 or 2 points) to make it through to the final. And even though the Singaporean side has just lost to China in the finals 0-3 as I am typing this, there is no doubt a sense of pride that I feel within me. It makes me wonder why it is only at such times when I do feel the pride of being a Singaporean. As I was watching the morning swimming finals presentation ceremony, I caught the Australians' national anthem Advance Australia Fair and it reminded me why I feel such a lack of pride when singing our national anthem - because it is in a language that I do not comprehend, and thus have no idea as to what the lyrics mean, save for 'Majulah Singapura' at the end. To me, the lyrics of a song are as important as the tune of the song itself, so while we may not exactly have a very catchy tune for our national anthem, meaningful lyrics would have more than made up for it. Even till today I still remember the Rafflesian anthem, but I can hardly recall my NJC school song - even the English one. I suppose it has got to do with the sense of belonging I feel to each school as well. Regarding our national anthem, I feel that it wouldn't be that hard to go find out the actual meaning to the lyrics, but I think I will forget them in a week or two anyway.

OK I think my thoughts are going all over the place. This is an absolutely horribly written post with totally no flow in structure. Which seems to echo my pattern of thought in these recent months. What is happening to me man.

Anyway - 18 more days to Europe!!! WooohoooO!!!~

Aonther good year for KR and Bizad

2008-08-09T00:47:00.002+08:00

Took leave from work to go down to NUS to watch rag today! And the trip was well worth it... the floats were all very nice this year, and KR swept up almost all of the challenge shields available, making us the overall shield champions again a la 2006 when my batch first came in.... And Bizad won overall for the faculty side too! Makes me doubly proud to be from BOTH KR and Bizad!!

Went out with Edo to have a good dinner after that at Manhattan Fish Market... Was a simple meal but we had a great time catching up with one another after this summer break. There are still tonnes of pp I want to meet up with, but that will have to wait till a better time; I really hope that I will be efficient enough in my work so that I can go off earlier in the weekdays to meet them..

Now being one and a half months in working life, I must say that nothing will ever replace the joys of being a student. When I first started working at Temasek, I realised that I had not missed school life at all -- all the cramming of information into my overloaded brain, and all the exams, but probably it was because my first few weeks were rather 'honeymoon'. Now that August is here and the work is getting a lot heavier, it is getting really draining just to have to go to work at 8.30am every morning. This week for example has been a rather bad week for me, because I've been screwing things up at work and haven't been at performance levels though I had tried very hard to. Jerone's getting so much work from Clarence and today must have been his busiest day ever, with Nge Kong Dickson and myself gone. But anyway, like I told Jerone before, no matter how demoralised and down I may look like at work, at the end of the day I will sitll tell myself that whatever I have gone through is one great experience that has made me so much more aware of working life, apart from opening my eyes up to the world of finance in its 'live' form. Until then though, I will have alot more to work on. I will still persevere through in spite of all my difficulties I'm facing. Yeah!~

Think I went abit off tangent there. My main point was that the flexibility of choosing ur own timetable as a student is a previlege that I have come to learn to treasure. Nobody likes the exams and projects that come with being a student, but your benefits that come with accepting this will be your ability to dictate what you want to do and when you want to do it. Luckily I will be working only for two months, but I really wonder what I would give in order to be able to have such flexibility of time when I go out and work for real in future. But those are thoughts for another time. For now, till Sunday at least, I want to enjoy my three days of break from work -- and hope that something special, anything at all, might just happen in these 3 days. Now that would really make my day. =)

The story so far...

2008-07-08T23:39:00.003+08:00

Time really flies... its been more than a month since I last posted here. In a nutshell I will document my experiences for my holidays so far since the end of exams:

Ended my exams on 12 May followed by a series of hoo-hah about my internship position at Leeden. After a long series of waiting and applying for a bunch of new internships that popped up on CSO I decided to give up on finding an internship and apply for a temp job instead.

Even that proved difficult in the first few weeks. I ended up one month into the holidays with still nothing to show for. Towards the end of June I finally received some offers, and the strange thing is that they all came at around the same time. I had a Hwa Chong Institute TA job, a temp job at a bank doing admin, and of course the last and most prestigious one, at Temasek Holdings as a temp, as recommended by Koon Po.

What can I say? Looking back I can only point out that it has only been two weeks since I started working in TH but I feel like I have learnt so much, akin to taking a special sem in finance itself! The single most improved skill I picked up was in Bloomberg, where Koon Po and the others at TH taught me how to extract data from Bloomberg onto Excel. And then of course, there are the other things that I have been involved in: deal discussions that Clarence gave me a chance to see and do some calculations in (of which so many terms and concepts in corporate finance are covered I feel like they could be multiple chapters in the textbooks), papers that I have been asked to write on foreign exchange risks which my school syllabus had never had the chance to touch on, and in the coming weeks, a chance to get my hands dirty into modelling. Oh, and there's the teach in by DB tomorrow morning on derivatives that I hope to be able to attend as well... There's learning opportunities plenty in TH, and I am very grateful to have been given this chance to open my eyes to how the corporate world works, in addition to collaborating with some of the greatest and nicest people I have ever seen in the workplace.

What more could I ask for at this stage of my life? =)

June beckons...

2008-05-28T23:22:00.003+08:00

And so does IPPT. Oh no.

Well its been almost a month since exams ended already... And I still dont have an internship/ part time job. Was supposed to take my intern at Leeden, but thanks to that big hoo-ha over whether they wanted me to be there or not I don't think I would want to accept the offer liao. Having said that if my GIAS internship doesnt come through I may have to accept it, or else depend on Josh (from Recruit Express) to help me find a good part time job in the banking/finance industry. It really sucks to be kept waiting for news. And to think I applied for so many of the internships and only one called. Sigh.

Been slacking around since end of exams... Spent my free time reading up about all the places in Europe, which was quite enjoyable. Realized that I need this time to regain my understanding of what LIVING is all about. The joy and passion of living has been sapped out of me with last sem's workload and I totally need to rediscover my joy again... Thats why I've been leading a rather carefree life from the 12th till now, in between applying for more internships coupled with a three day temp stint at DnB Nor, a Norwegian bank which is like DBS (in Norway, that is). Did a mundane dispatch job which I felt was beneath my abilities. But nvm, at least I earned enough to cover my expenditures for today, which consisted of a backpack, slippers and socks. All necessary stuff for my day-to-day living from now on.

Tomorrow's my GIAS interview. Hopefully I'll score for that. =)

Anyway so much for rambling without any structure for this post, I think that once again I am at the start of a new phase in my life again -- a path of rediscovery (read: fitness), and one that seems to have so many possible endings. I will just let God guide me to my final destination and not worry about it, and enjoy the view as I go on. Exciting things coming ahead.

WWRY!!!

2008-04-20T22:21:00.002+08:00

After a long week of non-stop mugging for IA and finally getting it over and done with yesterday, I went to watch We Will Rock You at the Esplanade with Edo. And what a stunning performance it was!!!

I mean, barring the fact that it was the first time I was going to the Esplanade to watch any performance, I was simply awed by the grandeur of the set and the place! The backdrop that greeted us when we walked into the theatre was already a visual treat. The musical started promptly at 2pm as stated and we were treated to a belt of Queen songs all fitted in to the plot which was of course secondary to the music itself. I felt that the cast all had very powerful vocals! Galileo, Scaramouche and Killer Queen gave such star-studded performances and while I am not a Queen fan per se their soulful performances went down straight down to my heart. By the time they were at 'We Will Rock You' the excitement was so tangible, even the small ang moh kid sitting next to me who had been seemingly bored began to stamp her feet on the ground... But the best part of the show I felt was saved to the last, when they sang 'We Are the Champions' and 'Bohemian Rhapsody' to an audience standing ovation. The acoustics of the hall was superb!! The music was being played sooooo loud and yet there were no distortions! And of course, I REALLLY felt that the absolutely coolest part of the musical was when Killer Queen appeared on screen asking 'who dares play live rock music?' only to have the black screen lifted up, revealing the band behind shouting 'WE DO!!!'! It was truly a magical moment as they finally showcased who were behind the kick-ass music! They were so so so so so so good that I had doubts about it being live music despite the presence of a band having been subtly mentioned at the start of the show -- it was perfect and so surreal!

All in all, the musical really showcased what rock and roll music was about, and of course this has always been my pet favourite genre of music. My soul was so stirred by this powerful musical and it is definitely worth watching again (and again). Well done to the cast and band!

For now, its back to studying after having taken a mini weekend break -- three more papers to go!

Almost there. I can see the end of the road.

2008-04-11T21:04:00.003+08:00

First thing I must say is how remarkable it is that my last post was way back in February... almost a good two months since I posted anything here... But my life in these few weeks have been very eventful nonetheless -- with school work that is. I shall do a short recap of what happened this sem:

Early March: KR bazaar! Overall it went well I suppose though I wasn't really at the event itself. That week was also my MA midterm week and I managed to do OK for it... A grade but then again about 50% of the cohort got the same grade so well....

Mid March: Busy with all the projects getting into motion... Did not go home for these few weeks or went back only for a short while cos of the projects that demanded my attention... And of course, Open House for NUS on the 15th and 16th which saw me standing for hours on end greeting people with gift packs (which was quite fun, much more interesting than being a packer inside the cramped container room anyway). DU was on the 22nd, and what a performance it was! All the KR items were great, and even Raffles Hall had their fair share of good performances with their comedic items... Not to forget the Oliver lookalike that was the joke of the night... Well again the week before was marred by project meetings almost every other day, right till the end of the month.

End March: STEPPERS GOT SILVER MEDAL AGAIN FOR CHEEROBICS!!!! YeAHhh!!! Major plus plus plus... =) Amid due presentations and term papers, went back to NJC with Edo where I saw for the first time the newly painted canteen, the luxuriant synthetic grass soccer field, and a whole lot of kids in red and grey. Going to be worse when they start taking in Sec1 students next year.

Early April: COMMAND 2008. It really felt like my own Command as I would also be leaving... The senior videos were really good and super funny!! D block videos were hilarious, especially Malik!! Finally at the last few laps of the race. As of today, IA project and presentation has been done, APB paper is done, BM presentation done, MA tutorial presentations done and GEK term paper submitted. Whats left is APB presentation, IA quiz and then the last lap will be the final exams.

This semester has been the craziest I've ever been through -- 2 presentations + 1 group report for APB, 1 midterm + 2 tutorial presentations for MA, 1 term paper for GEK + 2 quizzes, 1 mideterm + 1 group report + 1 presentation + 4 class assignment submissions for BM, and IA is the worst: 7 tutorials + 1 group report + 1 individual paper (which I din do well at all =( ...) + 2 presentations.... HEAVILY dependent on project work this semester, and I will never forget how much my group and I toiled for our EMH project for IA... But thank God I have good project mates and now all that is left is just to pray that we earn the favour of the pp who are marking our reports...

And its still not over yet!!! Still have APB presentation and then finally IA quiz before going on to my 3 exam papers... And then internship comes! A whole new experience awaits.... Haha... What lies beyond that is even better... Exchange!!! WoohOooo! But... for now, I shall focus on the monster that lies ahead -- IA quiz. But really glad that the super duper crunch time is almost over... =)

And yes, I've booked a date for my IPPT. MUST MUST MUST train hard for it....

Reflections on my 2 years in hall are demanding that they be written down here somewhere. But I will not do so till my days in KR are finally over when I will be shifting my things out of the hall for the last time. SHIT. Already I'm feeling a small wave of sadness as I'm typing this. But my last comments shall be saved only for when the last curtain falls. For now, its time to get back to my books after a 4 hour break since 6pm today.

Putting things into perspective

2008-02-22T22:34:00.002+08:00

Had IHG Closing today, and naturally I went down to watch the Steppers perform... Had the chance to catch TH in action too and was rather surprised that they've improved so much this year! I can actually say that they are approaching Alpha's standard alr.... OOps this is such a controversial statement but it really depends on how u interpret it... :) And of cos, the Steppers themselves had a great show! Nice to see all the flyers dressed up so prettily while the 'unwanted' Steppers (ie e alumni of Lele Wanlin Junmin and I) look so plain next to them... Hehe~

Come to think of it, today was also quite a bad day. Edo msged me to tell me that he had been warded into SGH for an insect bite rash, while an entire crane at the alumni building site collapsed and killed three workers, crushing them underneath it... Never thought that this kind of 'WHAT THE HELL' thing could actually happen here.... I didnt get to witness it though as I was sleeping in my room, but everyone who was around the area could hear the crash as the colossal structure came down. SCARY lah....

On a different note, I think its time for me to start a little bit of soul searching and self evaluation, seeing how half a sem has just flown past. Maybe I've been so in my own world that I have failed to see the bigger picture somehow...

Ash Like Snow -- The Brilliant Green

2008-02-15T18:49:00.002+08:00

空　赤く染める　黒檀の闇
飲み込まれた　星屑たち
儚く降り積もる　灰の雪
見つめた　嘆きの窓
I never dreamed
凍りつく
There... I come for you
想いは　寂寞の夜空に
舞い上がり　砕けた
この世界が形を変えるたびに
守りたいものを壊してしまっていたんだ

心にひしめく　背徳の闇
君の声が　麻酔のように
冷たく　感覚を奪ってく

矛盾を追いかけても
終わらない
なぜ僕は戦うの？

例えば　光が消え失せて
この地球（ほし）が堕ちても忘れないよ
その小さな願いが
在るべき場所へと導く
there I come for you yeah
Ash Like Snow is falling down from your sky
Ash Like Snow
Let me hear... Why I have to fight?

この想いは　寂寞の夜空に
舞い上がり　砕けた
闇を拓く　栄光と引き換えに
守るべきものを失ってきた
(its falling from your sky)
虚しすぎる(Baby I come for you)

砕け散った　欠片に傷つくたび
閉ざされた僕の心は
強くなる事を選んで
ここまで来たんだ

フレンズ by Stephanie -- Gundam 00 ending OP

2008-02-15T18:42:00.002+08:00

同じ笑顔してた
そんな僕らも幾年も重ね過ぎて
すれ違う景色を
受け入れられずにもがいてる
無駄なプライド捨て去り
この世界に優しさを
I Gotta Say
勇気を見せつけても　強がっても
一人では生きられない
あの日の約束なら
心の深くに残っているよ　今でも
別れてまた出会い新たな道に　光見つけ歩き出す
生まれてからずっと
繰り返すことで　繋がってくいつの間に君と僕も
それぞれ未来を手にして
I Gotta Say
遠く離れていても　会えなくても
強い絆はあるから
「夢が叶いますように」心の底から祈っているよ
We're friends forever
また会うことを誓い
ゆびきりして
僕らは歩き出したね
見えない行先へと
迷いながらでも
進んでいるよ
いつでも

On CNY's Eve....

2008-02-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

Once again we come to the season of red angbaos, bakkwa and house visits. This year, I find that something is really missing from my life -- despite having Jesus by my side, despite my renewed attempts to be a greater and truer disciple -- a sort of apatheticness has somehow crept into my life, that does not allow me to enjoy anything at all. If my thoughts and emotions can be described as a sine curve with its peaks and troughs in my life, then I can only say that the amplitude of that curve has been greatly reduced... that I am rendered unable to feel too happy for too long, nor am I able to experience too much sorrow for too long. Perhaps too much (or too little) has gone on in my life that I have grown tired of seeing the same things happening over and over again... Its really scary to think that this kind of feeling can get into me, and I dont know how to stop it...

So long....

2008-01-11T00:00:00.000+08:00

Met up with Bryan, Li Jiuan and Justin on Wednesday evening at Waraku for dinner cum farewell... They will be flying off to China come Monday... Won't be seeing them for a year! It's actually quite sad to think that my good friends are all overseas and I will have very few friends around me this academic year...

I kinda miss Steppers... Seeing them training at the dining hall below now, I really wonder if I have made the right choice in deciding to leave Steppers and join Kendo. But decisions have been made and I cannot be double-minded about it, so I'll have to find my own happiness and joy from each day...

Next week is the start of school. No more time to play, laze around and hibernate liao... Hai!

One more week till sch starts...

2008-01-08T02:56:00.000+08:00

And I'm actually quite itching to read some materials, but IVLE doesnt have anything yet... Had the first kendo training for the year and it was tough man.... Realized that I don't have enough stamina to last the whole training, which means I should start running... Also need to train for IPPT one mah, one of my goals for 2008.

Speaking of goals, I am really quite unsure as to what kind of goals I want to set, apart from the normal academic stuff and fitness targets. Its eight days into the new year already and I'm still thinking. Argh.

Just under a week left before Bryan, Li Jiuan and Genevie will all be flying away... Ah shucks. This sem's gonna be a really different ball game altogether...

The year ahead... and some thoughts on the one that just past

2008-01-04T00:20:00.000+08:00

I haven't been posting at all for almost two months already, this has been my longest break away from blogging for a single period of time.... Anyway this post is necessarily overdue cos its the annual look and report on how the past year has been and how I feel about the coming year (oh wait, its here already. Damn.)

2007 started off with me giving my first IHG performance for Steppers in February, and then taking part in Cheerobics for the first (and the last) time as well. I'll always remember the first three months of 2007 as the three months where I trained super hard (for Cheerobics AND Chingay, which killed my studies) and achieved much in return -- Steppers came in first runners-up in Cheerobics and Chingay went off pretty well too. My studies were not that bad either as I had managed to pull up my CAP score, albeit by a little.

The summer holidays saw me signing up for POS in Emerge and spending my holidays training with the most happening, fun-loving and warm bunch of City Harvesters I've ever met to date. Yes, POS had its tough moments as well but we all lived through it and though we did not make it to the finals I'm glad that I have known so many more church people who are of the same age and school as me!

So the first half of 2007 was quite well-going and OK, but I felt that the second half of it was quite a downhill ride. Came Aug 07 and Semester I of my second year in university started. I joined Kendo, made it a point to stay out of most hall activities so that I could focus on my studies, and got closer to my floor mates in the process. My attitudes towards KR changed totally and I couldn't really be bothered much by the bigger picture; I was happy to just live my life with my floor mates around me, with our talk cock sessions at the corridor and suppers at Sheares hall... But I also remember August 07 as the year where almost everyone (save my family and a few friends) forgot about my birthday, never mind that it was on such a prominent day of the year. Then the semester just flew by and before I knew it exams were over. This sem seems of have gone by so quickly and this sem was also the sem where I felt strongly for a certain girl and tried to be closer to her, but was dropped the bombshell on Christmas Eve that she wanted the friendship to continue but not in that way... Spent my last few days of 2007 in sorrow while everyone was partying all night long. Oh well.

Oh I digress a while cos this point just came in. December was also the month where I went for my first Kendo camp, and saw my left foot being mummified every day and even had the MPSH floor red with drops of my blood from doing fumikomi.... ahahahha hopefully my skin has hardened that much with the camp. Camp was super tiring but I realize in retrospect how much I have benefited from it...

Looking forward, in 2008 I sincerely believe that I will continue to improve on my CAP score. Though my results last sem have only increased my CAP score slightly, if I keep on at this rate, I should be able to hit CAP of 4.00 by the time I graduate. Of course I'll need to do a lot more, but at least I think I felt that I've rested enough for this holidays already and wouldn't mind getting back to doing some work. Will be taking four core modules and I'm planning to take a science gem. I think the workload for this semester will be heavier than last sem, but with my decreased responsibilities in hall I believe I can overcome it. This year, this sem, most of my friends are flying off for NOC or exchange programs, leaving me here... So bored. Hahaha.. I just hope that my own application to Warsaw will be successful and I'll be happy like mad...

Well it feels like as if I'm just randomly speaking whatever comes into my mind now... So I think I shall stop here. May 2008 be much much better than 2007!!!

Dreams

2007-11-08T04:59:00.000+08:00

God never fails to amaze me. Just want to describe a dream I had last week or so that was so vivid it had to be from Him.

In the dream I was in my home lying on my bed, and the walls beside me formed an animation of moving images and sounds. It described how I have walked away from God and scolded me for doing so. But in the end it asks me to come back to God, and I readily accept it. This dream couldn't have been more timely, at a time when I feel so far away from God, yet He still manages to reach to me through the most unlikely way, through my dreams.

In the second dream I see an image of my mom, sis and myself in my Mom's bedroom, and all of us are sitting together in one line facing the mirrors, and in it we are actually sitting down to pray together with me leading in the prayer! I believe that this is a sign, a vision of the future that is to come that my family will eventually be saved one day...

In the last dream, I see myself floating through a large underground MRT station, passing by all the people and crowds with ease. And all of a sudden I reach this abyss-like column of space, but I'm immediately propelled upwards at a superbly high speed, towards light. My interpretation of this dream is that God has a plan for me to be pushed up all the way sky high to be the true salt and light of the Earth...

I'm recalling these dreams about a week from when they occurred but these scenes are still quite vivid in my mind... And it is so coincident that Building Fund started last Saturday with us pledging our amounts. Truly I believe that God has sent me a vision and it will not do for me to sit by and do nothing about it... I remember that just before I woke up I was aware in my dream that all these were sent by God and I was literally begging God to reveal more things to me, regarding finances, love and much more... But by then, I had awoken.

Now that Arise and Build is here again, I truly believe that this is the time for me to prosper. With Him beside me, and with my hard work, nothing shall be impossible!

千の夜をこえて - Aqua Timez

2007-10-31T12:52:00.000+08:00

Bleach -- Memories of Nobody Ending theme song. Kinda sums up everything I want to say.

愛されたい　でも　愛そうとしない
その繰り返しのなかを彷徨って
僕が見つけた答えは一つ　怖くたって　傷付いたって
好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ

あなたが僕を愛してるか　愛してないか
なんてことは　もうどっちでもいいんだ
どんなに願い望もうが
この世界には変えられぬものが　沢山あるだろう
そう　そして僕があなたを　愛してるという事実だけは
誰にも変えられぬ真実だから

千の夜をこえて　あなたに伝えたい
伝えなきゃならないことがある
愛されたい　でも　愛そうとしない
その繰り返しのなかを彷徨って
僕が見つけた答えは一つ　怖くたって傷ついたって　
好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ
気持ちを言葉にするのは怖いよ
でも　好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ

この広い世界で　巡り会う喜びを言葉じゃ言い表せないね
だから僕達は微笑み　色鮮やかに過ぎる秋をドレミで唄って
冬を背に　春の木漏れ日を待ち
新しく生まれ変わる　誰かを守れるようにと

来た道と行き先　振り返ればいつでも　臆病な目をしていた僕
向き合いたい　でも　素直になれない
まっすぐに相手を愛せない日々を
繰り返しては　ひとりぼっちを嫌がったあの日の僕は
無傷のままで人を愛そうとしていた

千の夜をこえて　今あなたに会いに行こう
伝えなきゃならないことがある
愛されたい　でも　愛そうとしない
その繰り返しのなかを彷徨って
僕が見つけた答えは一つ　怖くたって傷付いたって　
好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ
その想いが叶わなくたって　好きな人に好きって伝える
それはこの世界で一番素敵なことさ

"I want you to love me, but I dont think you will."
I wander around as I repeat this to myself
It's the only answer I have, even if I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'll say "I love you" to the one I love

Do you love me or not?
I don't care what the answer is, I just need to know!
No matter how badly I desire to be with you
There are many unchangeable things in this world
and my love for you
can't be stopped by anyone

As 1000 nights pass, I long to tell you
I have to let you know
"I want you to love me, but I don't think you will."
I wander around as I repeat this to myself
It's the only answer I have, even if I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'll say "I love you" to the one I love

Putting these feelings into words is so scary
but I'll say "I love you" to the one I love
The happiness we chance upon in our lives can't be expressed in words
That's why we can only smile
Why we sing "do re mi" among the vivid autumn colors
With winter at our backs, and the spring sunbeams peeking through the leaves
as to protect someone who's just been reborn

As I looked at the road I'd traveled and the path ahead,
my eyes were filled with cowardice
I wanted to look into your eyes, but was afraid I wouldn't be honest
I didn't want to know that you didn't love me
and live the rest of my days alone
That day, I kept on loving you without getting hurt

As 1000 nights pass, I long to tell you
I have to let you know
"I want you to love me, but I don't think you will."
I wander around as I repeat this to myself
It's the only answer I have, even if I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'll say "I love you" to the one I love
Even if my feelings aren't returned, I can say "I love you" to the one I love
And that's the most beautiful thing in the world

disturbed

2007-10-11T04:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if its really worth it at all. How can we tell when it is the time we can conclude that our efforts are going nowhere?

I am really confused. And with each passing day the sinking feeling grows heavier. The words of Francis are still echoing in my mind. If he is right, then I probably don't have much fighting chance left...

I can't seem to find the motivation to blog nowadays... Even though I may have things to say or thoughts to jot down.

Just a short note

2007-10-01T00:10:00.000+08:00

Finding that the frequency that I blog nowadays has gone down by a lot... Been three full weeks since I last wrote anything...

Anyway today marks the first day of school following a mid-semester break that was not even a break. Took part in case competition in which my team narrowly lost out to a year 1 team (just cos of the fact that they had fresher ideas -- which werent particularly impressive to me but oh well), and only started studying on Friday....

Facts aside, I really wonder if all this is worth it. After a long and hard self-reflection I think that she is really totally oblivious to the fact that I like her... Even as I want to go after her so many questions keep coming up the back of my head, like whether I should really open myself up again... What if all this were just a figment of my own imagination, that it was just a one-sided script that was written, directed and acted all by myself? If I'm going to get hurt again then I really don't see why I should bother. It hasn't even started yet but I already have the occasional bad thoughts coming in...

Nothing seems to be going right these days...

On God...

2007-09-11T04:01:00.000+08:00

It has been quite some time since I posted anything onto the blog, and since it is proving quite hard for me to fall asleep now I shall make use of the time I have till I feel sleepy again...

Anyway, last weekend Nick Vujicic came to church to share his testimony of what God has done in his life... Nick lives a full and healthy life, playing soccer, swimming, horseriding, travels around the world, trades in the stock exchange, among doing so many other things -- but there's something about him that I didn't mention. Nick has no limbs. That's right, he was born without both arms and both feet.

When they played his 8minute video about his life story I was moved to tears. Could anyone of us healthy and normal people ever imagine the pain and suffering that handicapped or disabled people like Nick have to go through, especially if its right from birth?

His words said it all -- at age eight, he was already wondering about the big questions: who was going to want to marry him in the future? Even if there was someone, what about having kids? What kind of a father and husband would he be if he couldnt even give them a hug, or to hold their hands?

Imagine us at age eight, and try to remember what we were doing back then. Most probably still in the days of blissful ignorance?

But as Nick went on to share about how God has changed his life, one thing came across, and this is the thing that stayed in my mind -- that there is no joy in our circumstances, especially the bad ones, but there is joy in the purpose of our circumstances. We will always go about complaining about how bad our situation is, but we can never hope to understand the way God thinks or works in our lives! His thoughts are higher than ours, and in Nick's case, God used him in such a mighty way, being fully aware of Nick's suffering but yet allowing it to happen so that the greater glory of God can be seen through him! That in his weakness, God's strength is perfected!

Wow. That line really made me sit up and think... His quotes and verses were all very impactful and heartfelt, as they were all drawn from his personal life experience. And then he said that God is ever patient towards us, and he is always faithful. Listening to this line really brought home the message to me, as I had been going through some tough times questioning my own faith in my walk with God... Sometimes you really feel like u dont deserve His grace and mercy, but Nick reminded us that we were not given a spirit of fear and guilt, but a spirit of power, love and of a sound mind! WOW. I mean, I knew that already but it really touched my heart that day. Once again I was reminded of the fact that God is so merciful towards us, and that we should never feel that we have no right to be in His kingdom becos it is not what He wants!

To summarize, Nick's testimony has really been a double or even triple blessing upon the church... His life is a true living example of God's goodness. When I reached back hall on Sunday evening they were playing Bruce Almighty, and immediately I was reminded of Evan Almighty, the sequel that I watched at Gabriel's house for the outreach. Evan Almighty is a superb movie, funny at times but filled with powerful one liners that normal folks may miss if they're not observant enough. The one that I still remember v clearly is a scene where Evan sees God and says "Do I know u?"

God then answered Evan, "Not as much as I'd like to son."

It really made me think at that time (it still does) of how much God desires to know us, yet so many of us run away from Him or are simply not bothered to get to know Him. And it truly is so moving cos much as He wants to know us, He will never force His way in to do that. In the human context, just imagine someone out there who likes u, and would like to get to know u deeply and intimately, but even though u say 'no', and reject that person, he does not go away -- instead, that person still waits by the side, longing for the day that u'll have a change of heart and to let him in... And there may never come a day when that happens, but yet he will still love u and stay by ur side... Imagine! Could such a human ever exist? Someone whose love for u is so perfect and so faithful and undying? The closest relationship we could ever reach with anyone thats like that is probably with our parents, but even that pales in comparison with God's love since He is so many times bigger than our parents...

So, the question is, why do we run? Because of the busyness of life? Or because we can't be bothered enough? Whatever the reason, I want to be able to tell myself that its neither of the two... As I pick myself up again, I know that as long as I'm not done with God, God will never be done with me... And so, it is with great thanks that I end this long post on a good note, thanks to God for what He's doing in my life... I may not understand so many things, but then again, having faith is to have trust in Him, even when I don't see how things will work out in the end. Thank you Lord!

What a wonderful and powerful weekend...

2007-08-13T04:19:00.001+08:00

Some truths and revelations that I have discovered this week:

I need to learn to be harsh with myself. Too often I have let myself go at many points and let the weakness of my flesh take over. I have to be ruthlessly self-deny the flesh in order that I may get something done at all! The flesh will never be satisfied with what it has and will always call out to me to do things that are not of God, but I need to discipline myself to refuse to heed its calling.

This week’s messages have been about spiritual discipline and how we need to maintain it. Dr A R Bernard shared about the need for a life of prayer, fasting, thanksgiving, reading the Bible, solitude, confession, Bible study, and repentance and forgiveness. The one that I’ve chosen to focus on this week are thanksgiving, solitude and Bible reading. Dr Bernard made it clear that while the church may be responsible to get all these started within us it is our own PERSONAL responsibility to maintain it in our lives.

Lastly, my revelation regarding success and desire is that I need to learn to re-discover my passion for studies and excelling in it. I have let the world wear down my desire to do well in it and especially since that short but impactful conversation with the freshie I’ve been jolted to my senses that if I want it bad enough, I will do anything to get it, and the grades that I want are not that hard to achieve after all.

RAG2007

2007-08-11T23:45:00.002+08:00

Had a great National Day and birtHow hday celebration on Thursday itself, where I went to Joseph's place for BBQ and stayover, followed by a meeting with my cell group pp to watch Simpsons, and finally to Gen's house at Mirage Towers where we had an excellent view of the parade from where we were at the 30th storey... Had two cakes for me and then on Friday met up with Victor Francis Justin and Yiwei at TCC to celebrate too...

And then there was rag.

This year's rag saw such intense competition among the halls, and I gotta admit that the Sheares float this year was very beautiful... They ended up winning quite a number of shields and eventually the President's Challenge Shield but I heard KR was a superbly close second!! It was really heart-breaking to see the raggers crying at the Padang when the results were announced; though I have not contributed a lot to the float building itself I could really empathise with the raggers for their painstaking effort put into the float... Felt really really sad for them. But we were at least consoled by the fact that our Flag this year achieved over $100K in donations, breaking the 89K record previously by a wide margin. On the Bizad side, though we lost the rag presentation and float, we still managed to capture the Flag and Chancellor's Shield, maintaining our record.. Thank God for it! For a moment I thought all was gone when I heard so many shield awards going to Science and SDE.

The disappointment in all the Kent Ridgeans was blatant as we left the premises. Besides the raggers and flaggers there were many among us that shed a tear or two... including me. But I think that to live up to last year's record of seven shields is really tough and we shouldn't always be living in the shadows of KRonos -- that would be unreasonable and unfair to the raggers this year who have put in their blood, sweat and tears for it. So I say that instead of wallowing in despair and sadness, we should instead applaud all that they have done this year and appreciate it as it is. There will always be winners and losers, and just becos you're in second place doesnt mean that you're not in any way as good as the winners -- it was the judges' opinions only after all. What matters is that WE ourselves look back and know that we have done whatever we could to bring out the best we have in us, and never to feel regret at that -- even if we were to turn back time and start again, the end result will still be the same as how it turned out today. THAT is something worth cheering and cherishing for.

To all the raggers, flaggers and FWOCers, thanks so much for your dedication and spirit. This hall wouldnt be KR without u guys.

Flag day sucks.

2007-08-08T00:42:00.000+08:00

In my earlier days as a secondary school student once I left Scouts I was determined not to touch flagging again... I felt it was a total waste of time although it was for the benefit of some charities... Cos the meaning of flag has been distorted by today's intense competition for collections. I feel that if you're making students flag just for the sake of getting first again for ur faculty/hall, then u dont really flag becos u want to help those charities, u flag cos u hope to gain personal glory from it. And with the collection amount getting higher and higher every year, u really start to wonder how much of the money is actually from the public itself and not forked out by ourselves. If flag day has evolved into a race of who can collect the most number of heavy tin cans instead of what amount is collected inside, then I think I will pass. And forcing people to do it is just plain nonsense.

A conversation with a freshie today while doing flag led me to think about my life. While his words have been said by someone elsewhere before, for it to come frm the mouth of a freshie awakened me to the saying that success is 1% inspiration/talent and 99% perspiration. When I think about how my CAP score has not been hitting the mark, I really wonder if I do want the honours bad enough to go for it. Come to think of it, the older I get the less I seem deeply motivated to stick to doing the things that I want to achieve. Its either fatigue or jus plain cynicism or lack of faith -- but in any case, it has taken its toll on my life and I feel that its time to change some of my attitudes toward things...

On a last note, school is starting next week and she still seems so closed to me while online. I will still try, at least till its enough for me to find out what she thinks. I've been shielded from such negative feelings by the grace of God but I'm not sure if they'll flood back once I get in touch with her again...

And I think. That no one remembers...

FWOC Day 6

2007-08-03T02:51:00.000+08:00

Today is Friday... and it marks the last day of a very tiring FWOC. As a senior going thru it FWOC definitely feels very different... From the second day when the dating game was announced, things got spiced up as everyone was opening up their eyes and looking around for their potential targets... There were many many song presentations -- one girl went up two or three times on stage for Brandon the JCRC Pres... Takes lots of guts to go up once, not to mention twice or even thrice. Also some special mention was Lionel who was frm my OG and he sung a song he penned himself for Mallery, and Ting Kuang who had Wang Jue after him!! LOL.

In some ways dating game is fun, but then again it leaves those who have no target or have not been targetted out... Like so many of us seniors who are still left on the shelf... :(

Was sitting at a lookout point for Revelation (fright night) with Shin Fei, Jasmine and Belle today and they brought to my attention the subject of group dynamics within the seniors of our block again... Looking back it seems I had noticed it but had not done anything about it... It was evident enough during dinner time of the two different cliques of seniors... Both parties are at fault for not wanting to interact with each other enough.

But I think I've said enough. No point bitching about it now when FWOC is just one day away from a close. What's gonna happen next week is gonna be more important. I already see so many seniors being clamoured by a certain individual from D-Block, to the extent that I wonder if she's the only freshie around that seniors can talk to. Must it always be that the prettier ones will be the only people who will get talked to?

FWOC starts tomorrow!

2007-07-28T11:12:00.000+08:00

Had a wonderful time at Downtown East chalet with the Incredibles on the 26th!!! We played the usual games like stock market, animal game and that crazy slapping game that made both my thighs super red... Many people were knocked out by the alcohol but this year I had my own check to ensure I didnt repeat what happened last year... Haha.. Woke up the next day feeling like a zombie cos only slept for 2 hours plus before I woke up and went to shop at Ikea with my sis... Speaking of which, hall orientation is gonna start tomorrow, and by tomorrow my life in NUS will have come to a full cycle... Back then I can still remember how the first day was like checking into KR... Time really flies. Met the LOST Dharma pp yesterday for lunch at New York New York before finally heading back to hall for a nap and tuition after that...

Time may fly by, but as long as we have the memories of what happened during that time, we can always look back on those days and feel the warmth of the friendships and laughter. I believe that these memories will be the driving force behind many of the things we do for friends, even as we progress on to adult working life and start realizing how drab it is... I pray that all the colour and life of my uni days will remain in my mind forever, always there for me to draw back on look upon and smile at it...

Hillsong rocks!

2007-07-18T10:03:00.000+08:00

Just got to listen to Hillsong's newest album Saviour King... I tell you, Hillsong's music is definitely super anointed... Was just listening to their album title track Saviour King and I could feel God's presence in the room... All their songs have a certain flow that really can bring down the kingdom of God... Looking forward to hearing some of these songs in my church soon!

Anyway, recent reflections have led me to see how much I have not been walking in line with God... And how much I need to slide back to Him. I miss those days when I would be so filled in the Spirit and everything around would just fall into place... My mind seemed to be filled with limitless energy and thoughts and creativity jus came... It all comes from Him, and when I dont walk with Him, the ideas and joy stop flowing...

God, I just want to say this here (though You probably dont need this to know it) -- that You truly are the Lord of my life, and though there are times when I seem to bend away from You, You know that You are still first in my life... So please forgive my transgressions and rebelliousness and give me time to change...

Bi's belated birthday

2007-07-13T08:54:00.000+08:00

Celebrated Bianca's looooong overdue birthday yesterday!! The girls ate while I watched how Nat scavenged her 'meat' from her pasta, cracked jokes about almost every race and nationality of people and letting loose shrieks of laughter all at the same time. It was a truly hilarious night and we couldn't stop laughing. Janice and Nat bought her a very nice wallet and it turned out to be what she was shopping for earlier on... Had a mango mousse cake which tasted v nice but still tink we shud haf gone for the chocolate one after Bi said she liked chocolates... And then I was grilled by the three girls on who I liked... But then I couldn't say anything what!! Not when she's just beside right? Argh felt so awkward....

Sometimes words just aren't adequate to express how I feel inside, cos feelings are dynamic and ever-changing, unlike words that are static, making it hard for them to describe what I'm thinking at the moment. But I guess what I want to say is that there are simultaneous feelings of love, pain, and sadness within me whenever she comes to mind. That warm, fuzzy feeling from thinking about her often quickly melts into sadness and pain in the presence of my insecurities and my own inferiority complex. Its not that I don't want to be with her, but I feel rather inferior to her in many ways -- she's so talented, smart and beautiful -- everything a guy could ever want! Yet I'm not sure if my feelings will be reciprocated... I don't have much, but if she could give me a chance, I'm willing to put in all I've got for her... but I don't know if thats enough. And therein lies my anguish... I don't know how to proceed from here, but I suppose I'll let things run their course... And of course, pray to God about it.

2007-07-09T17:37:00.000+08:00

Today is Monday, and I think I have finally recovered from the effects of CAC camp... I've come to realize that 5 day camps are quite long (as could be seen from my zombie-state on the fourth night) and thus I made the prudent decision to excuse myself from the KBox night as I had tuition the next day as well. CAC camp on the whole was quite fun -- MJ was a definitely an unforgettable experience for the freshies I reckon, as it was for us -- and I really enjoyed the company of the senior councillors as well, we super easy to 'zi high' from playing stock market or big small...

I have two more camps to go. Many people around me have commented that I am taking part in too many camps and I do agree, but these are the essential ones and I have already cut out Union camp which is supposed to happen this week... Camps are really a HUGE drain on ur physical and mental energy, and I wish to save some for the CHC and FWOC coming up as I will really need it for these camps...

Of dragonboats and canoeists

2007-07-02T12:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a very eventful day, where I went out with my family to Taka to eat and shop around a bit. It's really good to have time off to spend with them as I want them to know that I have not forgotten them despite my heavy commitments to the church.

Subsequently, went over to Bedok Reservoir to watch the SDBF. Once again, pride welled up within me as I was there in time to see NJC beat all the other teams to clinch the Men's Championships, with NUS in second position. NJC had a timing of 3:06 for 800m, the fastest ever in SDBF 2007! It was a close race and NJC managed to pull away from NUS only at the last 200m.

Then came the PM cup, with the four university teams racing against one another. Naturally the other two teams dont really count for much competition so it was down to NTU and NUS. They were neck for neck all the way in the race, and NTU even surged one dragon head in front of the NUS boat towards the 600m mark. We were all watching with bated breath as our hearts leapt to our mouth since it was so close to the finishing line -- but alas, TeamNUS managed to give a last burst at the 150m mark and overtook the NTU boat!! All the way towards the end it was a superbly close one and though I knew that NUS had won when they crossed the finish line, it was only when I saw the notice board that I realized just how close we were to losing the cup to NTU again -- our timing was 4:26:51 while NTU was 4:26:61, a mere 0.1 second difference!! Consider the women's cup, in which NUS lead the pace with NTU trailing 7 secs behind... WOW.

Saw many old friends there as well, Shiyun, Wee Teng, Marcus, Melvin, Enyu, Daniel Wuu, Shihui, and a bunch of my juniors as well. Felt really good to see them again after so long but at the same time it made me realize how slack I've been with myself in terms of fitness and how far down I've slipped since my heyday in NJ Canoeing. It was really quite a wake up call for me to examine how I've led my life this past year and now thanks to this I've become more inspired to start doing something about my size...

Finally, had dinner at Asian Kitchen with Terence, Joseph and Daniel in the evening. Again the same things were brought up and while Strikeforce may sound v interesting, I still dont know if it is my ministry to go to yet... Meanwhile I still dont want to give up security as well. Will really need to pray over it...

Lastly, this week is CAC camp.... means I can't do anything again. My SMS this morning hasnt been replied to yet... Dunno if its really nv see or jus dowan to reply. Hai. No more lunch I guess.

Post 196

2007-06-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

So Bizad FOC has come and gone by... It has been a super tiring week!!

Came on Mon evening to help out with Halo setup and all... Ended up sleeping at 3.45am that night when we had to wake up at 6.45am.... and the rest is history... Three full days of photo taking and video. Can't say I've enjoyed the camp much since I din get to know any freshies at all (even the Shogun ones), but as long as the camp went well, as an MC I'm OK with it... Overall the camp went on quite well, with a few hiccups here and there eg SP and Halo... But well thank God its finally over! ALMOST couldnt produce the final video on the last night despite having worked on it the entire night and morning.... Gosh that night was the worst night I ever had in a long long time... Couldnt even think straight having slept only 5-6 hrs in the past three to four days...

Sometimes I just cant seem to articulate wat I want to say exactly, since I'm not one who is naturally good with words... But lately I keep having this feeling that no matter wat I do, or how things seem to be, I am always alone... People may be there with me but in the end I still feel like I'm alone... I guess its also my fault that I've never really let people come into my life totally, but those whom I want to let in have never seemed to be interested... And then I go back to wondering why I ever wanted to open up in the first place.

It really hurts when someone u care for doesnt seem to show the same amount of concern for u as well... Wishful thinking has always gotten the better of me.

I think that maybe, my walls are coming up again...

FOC FOC FOC

2007-06-17T23:33:00.000+08:00

FOC is coming!!!

As part of the MC, I can see that we've really come a long way since our first preparations for the camp begun... From canvassing to the numerous meetings we had to finalise things.... Yes I am in Video comm so I'm not exactly up to date with everything, but I know that the rest are working really hard, esp Programmes pp, so it was rather saddening to hear about the news of someone commenting that our programmes suck. That coming from an MC member, must hurt twice as hard... But we're so close to the camp itself, I pray that things will still go on smoothly and not let us be affected by such negativity...

And as of this week, my heart has grown even heavier as I ponder more about things. I really wonder if I have been reading too much into it or is there anything more... and the worst thing is I have no way to find out except if I ask exactly... But I dont think thats the best option now... Like what Titus said, its best to take it slowly... Lol. Easier said than done right? Its like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit with the rabbit wanting to eat the carrot but not knowing whether it will get it at all..

Ah but heck. I need to put aside all this, and concentrate on doing a good job for FOC first! I really pray though, that somehow things will work itself out...

Back from HK!

2007-06-08T21:32:00.000+08:00

Its been a good five days in HK!!

But, I don't really feel like I'm in that kind of mood to describe wat transpired in those five days... Save that shopping time was scarce and too much time was wasted doing non-shopping stuff.

But really, today's entry is indeed a troubling one for me.

For the first time in quite a long while I actually thought of the same person for the five days I was overseas. Looking back at the times when we were training at POS, I feel that I could have been closer but chose not to cos I simply didn't know what to do...

One more day to POS!!

2007-05-30T10:02:00.000+08:00

Its finally here. POS is tomorrow and the hard work we've been putting in these past three weeks will finally come to pass. And I feel that I need to capture the feelings that I have so far to preserve them.

Looking back to the days when we first started training on May 7, we've really come a long way. I remember from the first few trainings that my main grouse was that the attendance was very erratic and it showed a lack of commitment of the POS people. But still, we carried on. The stunts people learnt the few new stunts that I choreographed into the music, including the sequence, toss to chair and hitch. Due to slow progress and bad attendance, we did not manage to achieve much in the first week, and our hitch was only at half lib level.

And so we still went for our first preview at Expo. This preview really gave us a wake up call as we could see all the other clusters were ahead of us in terms of preparation. We couldnt even get through half the music's choreo and Kenneth had to tell Charmaine that we werent ready yet cos of our late start in training.

The second week of trainings saw slightly better attendance, spurred on by Sunday's performance (or lack thereof). Stunts wise, we improved by leaps and bounds but were still not ready for the hitch. Our toss to chair was also getting nowhere. It was during this week that many changes to the music, video and choreo were made. I spent quite alot of time with Nat and Daniel to finalise the stuff but there were still quite a number of loose ends to tie up.

Then came the second preview. Our second preview was a marked improvement over our first, but it was still not performance standard yet. Many stunts failed to go up and the dancers weren't showing much energy in their routine.

And then came the third week of training, in which many stunts were changed -- toss to chair was changed to an assisted chair, sequence was changed to a pyramid. Hitch was scrapped due to lack of time to train full liberty. We trained hard despite some of us being unable to come for trainings here and there.

In the third preview, Pastor did not have much comments for us save that our cheer was a tad too long. Kinda worried me cos he had more comments for most of the other clusters but when it came to us he was comparatively silent. Also, our POS alumni people commented that we had no single impactful part of the routine, save for our entry. This comment sunk down deep into me cos by this time it was too late for us to change any part of the routine drastically. Also, I will always remember Peiyun's emotional speech at Foyer 3 that night after the preview asking why our attendance has been so poor this year, and she was just asking for a single day in which ALL of us could come down and train for 4-5 solid hours. That speech impacted me greatly and I really thank her for saying what I had been wanting to say since Day 1 of our training. We decided then that with what remaining time we had we would train all out for it...

Monday's training after that was a great success. We did the linking between dancers and stunts people and improved our coordination by leaps and bounds. Stunts wise, every stunt went up and we were quite happy with our performance. And so yesterday was 'Sabbath day', where we went out for Pirates 3 and dinner at Cineleisure! Had a great time with them and now here I am this morning, typing this post as the final preview looms in the next few hours.

There are several moments and random thoughts in POS that I would like to highlight (not all are happy though). The night in which choreographers stayed till 2am to finish music choosing and cheer finalising, Peijing's breaking down in the second week, Si Ying's stress at not being able to come for many trainings despite her wanting to, the SoT people's commitment, Ching Feng's and subsequently Peiyun's speeches, Ariff's ever hilarious poses and comments, Jamie's jaw injury, Peiyun and Janice's back problems, the cold MPSH (for the first few days), the warm and stuffy MPSH (in the next few weeks), the dinners at YIH, the Bus 96'ers (ZhenHao, Bianca, Janice, Ching Feng, Jamie and many others), the whoosh that took us some time to get the direction correct, and I bet there are alot more but I cant think of rite now -- all that will be embedded deep into my memory of what POS is all about -- the fellowship, the hardship, the long trainings, the friendships, the smiles, tears (and sometimes blood), but most of all, GOD -- who has been in the midst of us all this time, protecting us and giving us support and encouragement. Truly I have never experienced anything like POS before; even Steppers had a different feel to it; for POS is for His glory, and not our own.

Thank you POS, for this life-changing experience.

Emerge

2007-05-18T00:01:00.000+08:00

I havent blogged in such a long time... guess its time for me to record something again.

Exams have ended for over two weeks now, and I've been spending my weekdays training for POS Emerge... The attendance for last week was less than desired and so last Sunday's preview was quite screwed up. But then again according to them we always do badly at the first preview only to bounce back within a week or so and get second...

So here we are, at the end of the second week of training. These four days have seen an increase in the injury rate of flyers, with several falls and some even on the brink of breaking down... Well at least I can say that its good we're experiencing it now instead of later, cos if we're not feeling it now then we are quite slack. Experienced that with Steppers myself so I would know. Attendance this week has been plagued with many absences still and we're just one more training away from this Sunday's full dress rehearsal. Time is getting tight...

Spoke to Richard the Alpha Verve senior today, and he reminded me of several things about cheerleading that I took to heart rather seriously -- that cheer was not about the stunts but about the spirit, and that safety was of paramount importance. Upon reflection I feel that I probably have not emphasized the importance of training safety, and may have at times pushed them too hard by telling them to do the stunt over and over again. But that was the way Step trained us (the Steppers) and so I was quite used to this style. Guess I forgot that it can't be carried over here to CHC...

So I made a decision to change the stunts for this Sunday's preview, but we would still be training towards the stunts we choreographed... I think in retrospect Richard would seem to be like the Devil trying to discourage us as a whole, by saying we're not good enough to do the stunts and all, but Ching Feng has a point too and that is that whatever we're doing, we always know that we are under the watchful protection of God -- that is something outsiders will never understand. But still I would never forgive myself if any of the flyers are injured badly because of any stunt a la the Law faculty girl. So this is the area I need to trust God on, that He will be there for us and to let everything go smoothly according to the plans we have made.

faith

2007-04-21T22:48:00.000+08:00

Faith is really the currency of Heaven...

I need to step up on my faith in God and trust that things will turn out better than I ever expected... With my building fund finally completed, I'm going to believe that God will honour my finances and time sacrificed to Him...

the sad story of the 33...

2007-04-18T12:43:00.000+08:00

If you've been following the newspaper reports, by now you should know about the worst shooting rampage in US history that happened on the 2600 acre Virginia Tech campus. Cho Seung Hui, a South Korean who was described by students as a loner, bought two guns a month ago and started his killing rampage in the morning, killing two people. Two hours later he went on to another site on campus and killed 30 other people before putting a bullet through his head as SWAT teams closed in on him.

That's right, the death toll makes this the worst case in US history ever, which eerily coincides with the week that another two college students went on a shooting rampage years ago.

Amid all the mourning that has occurred are the issues of security in the campus and the nation's continued stance on weapon possession. The killer was actually allowed two whole hours for him to traverse to the other side of campus and begin his killing again. While campus officials have defended that it was impractical to close off the grounds due to the sheer size of it most people think that more could have been done, instead of their email to the students which was sent two hours after the first shootings occurred. My gosh. TWO hours to respond to an emergency. We should whack some SAF sense into the campus security... Since SAF always reacts to the slightest thing. There's going to be a long debate on whether the officials did right on this matter...

But another issue that belies this whole incident is really the laws in the US that so readily allow for almost anyone to get their hands on a weapon. Cho was a 'green card' holder in the US and had no previous blemish on his name, so he was able to procure the 9mm glock and .22 calibre pistol from the gun shop owner with ease. I wonder what people in the US are thinking... Since the very first shootings in Columbine eight years ago virtually nothing has been done to tighten gun control, with pro-weapons organisations like the NRA saying that it was a citizen's right to own one under the Constitution or something. Bleah.... I may not be well-versed in American politics or socialities but I do not need to be one to say that such irresponsible thinking is the reason why so many other killings have taken place. While the NRA tries to deny the link between the killings and their ability to procure the weapons there is no dispute that the gunmen were able to do what they did precisely because of the lax gun control laws there. And while Americans and the rest of the world mourn for those who are wounded and dead I really wonder just how much people will be stirred to actually do something about it. They can moan and lash out at gun control laws, and demand tighter controls and checks but will it fade away to nothing again like all the previous shootings? They will then be falling back into slackness and to put it in a very blunt way, the world will then wait to see who will perform the next killing and see just how many more innocent lives will be lost from it. Really, the people in the US need to do something about their laws in my opinion...

But back to the people who have been affected by this incident in one way or another -- my condolences go out to them. I read of the heroic act of Liviu Librescu, an elderly professor who willingly blocked the classroom door with his own body so that his students may have time to escape by jumping out from the classroom window, and in so doing, sacrificed his life. Immediately I think of the analogy that Pastor Kong gave for the Easter service, on how this Korean boy (omg the same nationality) learnt of the sacrifice that his mother made for him so that he may live and not die on the day he was born. People are so willing to sacrifice their own lives just to protect the ones of those beside him/her. And of course, the ultimate sacrifice was Jesus, who went to the cross on our behalf! People always ask and cry out in these times of tragedy, saying 'Where is God?', but when I think back to this analogy, I am at least comforted by the fact that this Israeli has really gone home to be with the Lord and that his reward in Heaven will be great.

And as for Cho, who according a news report I read on AsiaOne said had lashed out at his professed religion (Christianity) in his last notes, I can only pray for his soul that God may have mercy on him...

Well, I'm finally done with what I wanted to express on this whole matter. Back to studies!

Benny Hinn

2007-04-16T04:57:00.000+08:00

So Pastor Benny Hinn has come and went. And I must say that this time it has been quite disappointing. I seriously expected more from him.

On Friday when the crowds were not packed, his service was OK only. I was serving at the time but managed to catch most of the service until the testimony part (which I really wanted to watch but couldn't). Then I went today on Sunday which Pastor promised to be three times as good as yesterday. However it did not realli come to pass as Gab Ho who went yesaterday compared it and said yesterday's atmosphere was better. As pastor laid hands on the choir they literally fell and they burst into holy laughter... And then there were a few testimonies, but other than that I felt it quite lacking.

Daming showed me an article doubting Benny Hinn's faith healings, and while I read it, I've come to the conclusion that whenever miracles occur, besides the unbelieving and unchurch, we as Christians ought to believe, for if Pastor Benny is not for real then our blood will be upon his head when we go back home... He may fool us, but he can't fool God..

KRU

2007-04-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

As we approach the last day of this semester, I can't help but think of how time has passed.

I'm no longer going to be a freshie, I'm going to be a senior come June... (for Bizad FOC)

We had KRU just now as a final praise and worship session to round up the year before all of us get 101% buried in our books. And I must say, it really was a great blessing to me. The praise and worship was very much like the way my church does it, so I was really pleased. I had never imagined that KRCF would be able to worship God in the way my church does, and they did it. This was really a time when I could touch God once again and draw near to Him...

Anyway, looks like I don't have much to say today. Just wanted to make this entry as a remembering point for KRU... and a job really superbly well done by James and the rest of those who organised this event!

argh.

2007-04-06T00:37:00.000+08:00

Screw the iPod.

I'm in a super bad mood now cos several events tonight have made my planned return home impossible.

The stupid iPod, which I am unaccustomed to using, delayed me by more than 30 minutes while I helplessly tried to extract the data from it. OK, blame it on my ignorance on how to use an iPod. But when my laptop hung while I attempted a reboot to solve the problem, I really felt like smashing my laptop and that iPod onto the floor (cos I hadnt copied the files over yet and I was soooo going to miss the last bus already).

Bloody shit.

I think this has really gotta be one of my pet peeves; to miss something by JUST that little bit. If I miss by alot, then fine, but I really HATE the feeling of having just missed it.

And why the heck does 188 last bus come so early anyway?? Stupid lah... Now I'm stuck in hall sulking over my dumb fate.

just stopping by

2007-04-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

So Cheerobics has come and gone. Now's the time to start mugging.

18 more days to exams. My marketing looks hopeless. OM is no better. IT threatens to kill me with the information overload. Legal's a mess. Only stats offers a glimmer of hope... Even then I'm still one topic behind.

Its not the time to get negative, but recent comments by a someone I know has got me thinking.

I think I'm a very simple person, so simple that I never even thought about things like what people think of me behind my back. I've always had the impression that the way others feel about me would be more or less the same as the way I feel towards them -- hence the people whom I feel nicer towards would tend to gravitate toward me in a similar fashion. But this person's comments (or feedback rather) seems to have made me doubt this point seriously. And I can't help but wonder how many other things about people have I been taking for granted in terms of my thinking.

Its no wonder then that so many people lose heart in the world and become sarcastic, cynical suckers.

But anyway. Its EASTER weekend!! The Bible says that when even one person is added to the kingdom of God all Heaven rejoices. This weekend as many more souls hear the story and Jesus and get impacted by the Holy Spirit, I pray that we as Christians do not forget the grace of God in our lives. This period should be a time of reflection as we examine our lives and ask ourselves if we have lived a life worthy of Jesus's sacrifice. Yet I can say for most of us (myself included) this is not the case.. We still have so much more to go, so much more to improve on. But I'm not supposed to get preachy here so I shall stop.

Next week is Benny Hinn. 'Nuff said. Its interesting how some people are always asking for signs of God's existence, and yet when He shows Himself in ways of the Spirit and healings people doubt and scoff it. In my opinion, its just like a child asking his parents for a sweet, yet when he gets it he doesn't eat it but throws it as far away as possible. The human mind can be quite ridiculous at times, really.

A long post

2007-03-26T13:51:00.000+08:00

So many things have happened since I last updated my blog, especially in the past week, when I had 2 presentations to prepare for, one heck of an irritating OM term paper and the stats project which I had no clue as to what was going on... And of course, Cheerobics 2007 and Dance Uncensored on the 24th and 25th respectively...

This week has been simply a wonderful one to me... When everything was getting so scrunched up last week, with schoolwork and training, I really wondered how I was going to get through it, to meet all my deadlines and go for training every night also. But God has been good, and I was especially happy when I got back my legal term paper as it had a 'very good' on it... Thank God for it!

More importantly, I really want to thank God for Cheerobics 2007. God is really good... I was sovery worried for our group stunts that day and was praying hard that our stunts would all go up or else we'd have a hard time recovering... Was praying the night before and on that day itself that my stunts would all go up, and we managed to do it all for our group stunts!! The team routine itself was not perfect though, could have been improved cos I know we're definitely capable of ALL the stunts going up. But well, after the routine I actually felt really bad that Chun Ting's toss did not go up... thought our running for third place was gone...

Then came the surprise -- Not only did we win the Best Spirit and Best Sunshine Awards, we even got 1st runner-up!! OMG. We never even expeced to get beyond third place, which was what we were aiming for. When the MC announced the joint third between the two teams(whose names I cant remember), my heart (and I suspect all of the other Steppers' hearts) sank. The top two would then be for Magnum and Aces to fight it out.

But lo and behold!! When we were announced as 1st runners-up, I couldnt believe my ears... The girls were so shocked many of them started tearing, and I had a sudden rush of emotions as well... All the late night trainings, polishing sessions, extra group stunt training, sleepy lecture and tutorial days actually DID pay off... When we had expected nothing at all, we were suddenly given something. I can't think of any other way except for God's grace... The fruits of my labour have finally been reaped... God had said that He would provide, and He did. I'm not trying to be arrogant here, but I really think God had really moved in my life. Amidst all the self-doubt and zero expectations, God came true for us and had us clinch a spot... Hallelujah!

Reviewed Magnum's routine jus now on Youtube and I saw that it was a really good routine, and had every stunt gone up, they'd have trashed us flat...

Christianity is not a religion!!

2007-03-11T21:48:00.000+08:00

Was talking to my parents just now and once again they asked me why I couldnt cut down on my church activities.

My first reaction was to say that God was first in my life and I would rather cut down on hall activities (read: Steppers) than to compromise on my church activities. Again they posed the God or them question and this time I answered without hesitation that God was first.

Not surprisingly, they gave me that look. And my Dad said a comment that really indignated me.

Which set me thinking -- how can people be so BLIND to the things around them, to be so self-absorbed in their lives to not be able to see the big picture in things? I feel so angry that people can be so ignorant of the presence of God in all the things around them! God has left so many signs and clues in our world to show that He truly is the Living God of the universe; the trail is there for them to pick up, yet they choose not to do anything about it. If only they could just TAKE THE RISK -- JUST ONCE, to step out and find out for themselves what Christ really means.

This leads me to the second point: I really hate to see how people have reduced Christianity into a religion. Not only my parents, but everyone out there always seems to think that we are just like any other religion, that we just choose and then follow the ethics and principles, hoping to lead a good and upright life and then pass away into nothingness and hopefully into Heaven if there is one in the first place.

What an insult it is to God! God is bigger than just religion! If only people could see past this narrow opinion of what Christianity is... Then they'd know just how wonderful it is to have someone who is greater than u are, yet willing to walk beside u on ur level, without resentment or chastisement, to cheer for u when u taste success, and to encourage u when u are down... all of which is possible only out of a love so deep and pure...

I can almost hear the skeptics' voices now. "What crap are u talking about... What Jesus and resurrection and all... Bah! I don't need all this nonsense.." They may dismiss the gospel now, but wait till they experience their worst valley yet. Then I pray that they will finally wake up and realize that this is the time when God can truly bring healing and encouragement, to realize that God is not so far away from them at all in the first place.

Until then, I guess I can only pray for these people, to let them really open their eyes and see what they are missing out on....

tired, sad, sleepy

2007-03-11T03:59:00.000+08:00

I need to air out some things:

Hall points are finally out! And judging by my score now it seems as though I will not be able to stay for next sem. But I figured OSA did not count the maximum I could attain and so I'm sending them an email regarding that. If it comes to the point where I have enough points to stay, the biggest question that will then arrive is whether I should stay...

This sem is only half over and yet it already feels very long. Chingay was finally over, but now I have Steppers 4 times a week and its killing all the time I have for doing homework. And don't even mention abt the numerous projects I need to do research and write ups on. Added with next week's mini Cheer camp which I will need to reach a compromise with church commitments, everyone around me seems to want me to be here and there at this time and place... IT FEELS DAMN FRUSTRATING!!! Feel like telling everyone to piss off and leave me alone...

So tired. So shitty. So f*cked up. arrrghhgghgg~~

Amazing Grace

2007-03-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
than when we’ve first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Tranquility

2007-03-01T00:38:00.000+08:00

I like my block's rooftop.

There's always a sense of serenity when I go up there at night to enjoy the breeze. And the tranquility that I feel can take away all the stress and troubles of this world... Well almost.

I wonder how life's going to be like when I move back home. I'm definitely going to miss the rooftop, my room, the company, the late night mugging... (not the mugging part, jus the fact that I'm still awake at 4am in the morning when I would be in bed by 2am if I were at home...)

Just six more weeks to the end of term. And the end of my school life as a freshie. Time really flies...

I sound so random in my thoughts. Must be the OM paper readings that are clouding up my head. Should get back to them soon...

post chingay thoughts

2007-02-26T02:37:00.000+08:00

Finally, Chingay has come and went by.

Three months of hard work and practice have culminated in our performance on Friday and Saturday.

Which means no more dance practices, no more costumes, and no more BODY PAINT.

But then, I still have Cheerobics to worry about.

Even more trainings at night, with my schoolwork piling up. When school re-opens today I'm so going to fall behind since I have been lost since last week before midterm break. Which is why I feel that midterm breaks are actually not beneficial to us. With all that midterm studying (and hence ignoring the current lecture topics being taught) the gap always widens at this time. I'm not even talking about the 3 projects and 2 term papers that will be due very very shortly also...

Really need to go into overdrive mode...

tired

2007-02-22T00:18:00.000+08:00

So my Chinese New Year celebrations have come to an end... Will be returning to hall tomorrow in anticipation of the dreaded thing called Chingay.... Must say that this year's angbao collections were not bad... Considering the puny amount that I get every year, this year was rather exceptional.. Thank God for His blessings... its always so easy to forget Him when u get blessed unexpectedly.

This year's CNY celebrations were a little more unusual for me, cos I had the joy of spending time with the Steppers!! Went house visiting -- Hougang gang, Thomson gang, Bukit Timah/Bukit Batok gang, where I got to see first hand their amazing houses.... Realized that almost all of them stay in private housing, most with two if not three storeys... What luxury that I can only dream of having...

But at least I know this is the kind of housing that I will own in the future. Next time, when I start working... haha~

Had steamboat at Bryan's house also. Night ended early though cos no one drove and we wanted to catch last bus/train...

Hmm. Must say that some people were dressed so beautifully jus now... :)

OK. I'm getting a bit random in my thoughts. Time to hit the deck.

the frailty of life

2007-02-09T00:24:00.000+08:00

As I watched Seng Liang's memorial video I can't help but think how frail life is.

You may be popular, smart, sociable and active, but all that can come into a crashing halt when your life is taken away from you.

Whatever you've achieved in this life comes to naught, leaving behind a trail of depression for the people around u. As they mourn, a tinge of sadness overwhelms them as they reminisce about the happy times that they've spent with u and how things will be so different from now on. And though they will eventually move on with life, they cant shake off the regret they feel from ur departure.

Death is always so haunting... Though I may not have known Seng Liang, my heart goes out to his family and friends around him. It's always tough to lose a loved one... For Christians, we can at least take comfort in the fact that death is not the final stop, that it is in fact the beginning of a new phase of existence with the Lord...

Till that day comes for the rest of us, I bid Seng Liang goodbye, and deepest condolences to his family.

i missed my lecture today...

2007-02-08T10:12:00.000+08:00

This week has been super bad for me.

Been sleeping very early these days, somewhere around 2am, and thats because I spend about one hour dozing off in front of my laptop surfing for useless stuff. Been meaning to do some work but somehow the Z monster always gets me.

Haven't done much studying, tutorials are not done, and I'm starting to fall behind for textbook readings.

The worst thing is this weekend is going to be totally burnt with Chingay media preview on Sat and service, PM, and training (both Security and Steppers) on Sunday.

I seem to be getting into the laggy spirit 5 weeks into the semester, which was also around this time in Sem1 that I started to lag behind for my schoolwork.

I need more strength. And more fuel to keep up with the race.

The irritating thing is that for every step that u fall behind u know u need two extra big steps jus to cover it up. Its a never ending cycle of sorts.

Being my old unhappy self again?

2007-02-04T22:24:00.000+08:00

As I watch the 10 o'clock news now I am amazed at the proportion of news time that is spent on reporting so many unhappy incidents around the world...

First, a flood in Jakarta, one that left 200,000 people homeless, then tornados in Florida that have killed 20 so far, then fires that occurred both locally and in Chile. Suddenly it seems to me that so many bad things are going on all around us, as we continue to live in our comforts, some of us even oblivious to such incidents.

It really makes u wonder if u're taking the things ur having around u for granted, whether they be big or small things.

On another note, today was one of the days when I was serving and got into a really bad mood.

Christians will also disappoint and offend u frm time to time. And when such things happen, I can't seem to be able to direct my anger at a reasonable target. All the emotions eventually end up within me I guess... Or else it just gets dissipated after a while, like it always has. But the memory of the event will remain and it slowly builds up within.

Gosh I dont know how to handle emotions. It's so hard to understand...

Value

2007-01-31T10:31:00.000+08:00

Been thinking about what Rev A R Bernard said over the weekend... He spoke about value, that our greatest value in life is our value to God in His eyes. It makes me wonder how all of us can have such different ways in which we perceive value. So many times we let ourselves be judged by others without wondering what is our own opinion in the matter. We worry when people say we're fat, we fluster when people tease us, we get sad and depressed when the whole world seems to condemn us... All these things that life throws at us, we take it so readily and allow it to affect us so easily... Thus our self esteem is battered by bad remarks from our peers, our confidence is pulled down by the naysayers around us, and our value is decreased from its fullest potential. If only we could really learn to place our value in God, that in Him we really don't have anything to worry about becos the most important thing is how God sees us, not how man sees us. Too many times I have let the Devil belittle me and reduce my sense of self worth and value, but I think that with this message I have been reminded of what are the more important things in life, that is to be near to God and His word. It is through this word that I can finally be a true salt and light of the earth...

Rumours and gossip are the way of life?

2007-01-26T03:32:00.000+08:00

After supper with DX and Sherry today I feel even more alienated from my block... There are so many things that are going on that I do not know... And somehow I am not just not that kaypo to go and find out... Is there a crime in just wanting to mind your own business? Hall rumours and politics are definitely not my cup of tea.

Why do people revel so much in such gossip... It may be fun to point out that XXX is together with YYY and so on, but I can always only take a side stand and listen with mere spectatorship-like interest. Is this what life is about? Maybe... The reason why we like to gossip so much is because we want to find out what is going on in each other's lives...

And in that respect, I fail terribly. My lack of interest in such matters have made me so distant from everyone. I guess I really need more time... I don't warm up to people easily, even if I would like to do so -- I just find it hard to reveal my inner self to them. Probably cos I've had so many emotional setbacks in the past that I am experiencing trouble letting people into my life. My life has always been a loner's life, and it would take a loner to understand another.. Not many people in hall are like that, so I just gotta be patient I guess... In allowing myself to let go, to let the full spectrum of emotions and feelings of life come back in again. And hopefully one day there can be that special someone who can understand me the way that I am, and like me for it. Meanwhile, its going to be a long wait for her...

The end of a drab week

2007-01-25T19:00:00.000+08:00

Here we are, almost at the end of yet another week: the first week of tutorials where I get to see who are in my tutorial groups and whether my TAs are competent teachers or jus plain sucky. Only having three tutorials this week cos my marketing tutorial is on even weeks and my OM tutor is away for the week... But looking at my current groups I can faint already.

First was legal, where we were made to sit three rows AWAY from her in the LT. With tissue paper covering the mike in her hand, Catherine Tay seems almost like as if we all had some infectious disease waiting to pass to her. This is also the first time I've ever seen a need for a tutorial group monitor and deputy as well as group leaders for the various project groups; so secondary-schoolish! Apart from that she seems to be quite a good tutor but the fact that we're spaced out so far in the lecture hall may prove to be daunting in terms of participation in the class.

Then there's my e-commerce tutor. After enduring two hours of Tan Gek Woo's lecture Gen, Hongyi and I walked towards our tutorial class, and I made a passing remark about how we would die if she were to be our tutor. To my dismal horror at 12pm she arrived at our building and proceeded to open the door. Doesn't take a fool to see how reluctant everyone was in entering. So it means that I have three hours every Tuesday to listen to her wonderful voice. Great.

But to top it all off, today's stats tutorial was the best. I actually pitied the tutor as the whole class (the most vocal one that I've seen in all my tutorials so far) continued to shoot questions at her for the 50 minutes or so. And though I can see that she tried her best to explain the concepts, I was also pretty sure that none of us were clearer about the topic by the time she ended.

Another thing I realized is that for my ecom and stats tutorial I am stuck with the same bunch of TH pp. That group which first 'amazed' me at the ecom tutorial with their rowdy bantering appeared at my stats tutorial also. What a pain. It seems to me that the average profile of a TH resident = noisy, rowdy, vulgar and joker. They talk loudly in lectures and tutorials, joke and laugh all the way through pretty much everything and exchanges of vulgarities are quite the norm. Sorry if my views seem biased but this is based on the observations that I have made of TH so far mah. Cos all the TH pp around me behave like that...

The second thing that I actually wanted to say in this already very long post is that I've just checked my block head's MSN nick at Shin Fei's remark. All I can say is that the issue at hand is very much debatable as much as the way he doesn't seem to think so and I won't proceed to blast anyone here since u never know who's going to read it. But what I will say is that everyone has their own reasons for wanting to stay in KR, and if u think that staying in KR means that everyone must subscribe to the same ideal as u, in the way u see a Kent Ridgean ought to be, then I think u're seriously misguided. This is still a democratic hall as far as I remember, not a dictatorship. You cant just expect everyone to think and believe in things the same way as u do just bcos of the fact that they are occupying a room here u know...

The last thing that I jus wanted to post here is that I realize that I've been living my life in such a monotonous way that I seem to be getting over it day by day only. I go through the same routines everyday and there seems to be no breaking in the cycle of events. Breakfast, lessons, lunch, lessons, dinner, Steppers/Chingay, then sleep. I really feel that my brain is getting dull and dying from a lack of intellectual stimulation. Sure, lessons, lectures and tutorials are already brain killers, but not in the interesting and fun way that I would like. I seriously need to find something to spice up my life and to make it less mundane. Or is a uni student's life doomed to be like this? I think of my peers who arent staying in hall and I imagine how life must be like for them -- at least I have hall activities which are taking up most of my nights now... Well they probably have things outside that I never even knew of! Haha...

A week of joy

2007-01-21T21:38:00.000+08:00

Today is the first time I finally got to sit with my cell group for service since I was on off... Its so different when ur attending the service as a normal member and not serving as a Security personnel... Felt really refreshed after the service and inspired once again...

This is the start of a new week of lectures AND tutorials... Suddenly feels like a burden is coming upon me as I start the semester proper... Schoolwork's gonna get heavier, commitments like Cheer and Chingay are only going to get worse, and sleep's gonna be compromised again... And then, there's the constant spiritual warfare that I need to fight day in and day out. This semester ain't gonna be easy. But then, I really should lean on God in times such as this to work things out... I've been such an island for so long... Maybe its time I returned to sunny shores and join the mainland once again... Been wandering in the desert for so long already, its probably time for me to stop wandering and move into my promised land...

Our altars

2007-01-10T02:25:00.000+08:00

What do we humans build our lives on?

If we just stop to think about it, we may gain much more insight into our lives than we realize... There are so many things that humans build their lives upon - hopes, dreams, desires, pleasures, aspirations, just to name a few. People who build their lives upon solid, good and positive foundations normally lead better lives than those who base their lives upon weaker ones. But more than all these things, what is most important is that we build our lives about God... Joseph's words really do make sense. So many of us build our lives on so many things other than God, and when these things do not come to pass or collapse, all we can do is to watch our lives get dragged down as well. That's why altar building is so important... that we should really learn to build our altars toward God and no one else. For if everything else falls, our altar will still stand, for we are building our altar against something that is infinitely much higher and more stable than anything that this world can offer.

I wonder what I am really building my altar to? I dare not say that my altar has been wholeheartedly toward God, but I'm still in the process of building it... and there still seems to be a long way to go. Since my salvation I've always felt like I'm a small kid trying to grow up all over again... Been trying to learn how the world works again, how to handle relationships again, and how to start loving people again... Everything is such an uphill task to learn since I can always turn my back anytime and revert to my old ways. No one seems to be able to see the internal conflict within me, the old me who's trying to keep to my comfort zone, and the new me who's trying to break out of old habits and thinking to realize the full potential that God has placed in me. My mind is a constant battle ground for my struggling thoughts as I try to sort out my life to adjust to the culture around me. Not only to engage the culture, but to excel in it as well -- that is the mandate that we as children of God ought to fulfil! Yet as I continue to see a difference between the life I am living and the life I ought to live the holy dissatisfaction within just won't remain silent, and until the day when I finally am able to dissolve this dissonance I shall never be able to exhibit myself as a child of God fully...

By the way, really sorry to Junkang for not catching him properly just now.. I'm feeling so guilty. Hai.

Sad sad day

2007-01-06T02:47:00.000+08:00

What can I say? I have so many things on my mind now that I don't even know where to start.

Firstly, I would really like to know what is wrong with me. Character wise, relationship wise, whatever -- just WHAT AM I DEFICIENT IN? Am I detestable? Am I weak? Am I boring? Am I insulting? Am I unfriendly? What AM I?

It suddenly has dawned upon me (not that I didn't know or feel this way before) in a very hard way that either I have some serious character and personality flaws, or I'm just a plainly cursed person. I think about so many things that have happened in my life and whether things could have turned out in a different way, and I realize that its such a waste that I've lived my life in this manner for so long now. Well, I'm saying all this in reference to something else, but its spreading to affect every single area of my life. And that's the worst thing: I think it has already taken over control of it. My struggles, my worries, my pain, who can ever know what it is like to be in my shoes? My answer right now in my head is God, yet my body is resisting Him. It feels like as if I don't want Him around me... Though I know for sure that He is probably the only one who can empathise and understand me totally, I feel so betrayed that He has let things turn out the way it is today. It just doesn't seem fair to me when I look at others around me and realize how left out I have been. I know all about the standard arguments!! Stop telling me all that! What I want to know is really how long this valley is going to stretch cos I'm already on the verge of dying... My whole life has been a series of valleys, with only one or two short stretches where I was on the top. Can u blame me for wondering then whether my whole life will be like this, destined to lead a life of damnation and grief? When there is so much pain within, how am I supposed to change it and let it go? Not that I haven't tried it, but everytime I let it go circumstances in life always force me to accumulate even more of it. Am I such a terrible person that I really must suffer like that??

How do u let go, when the rest of the world can't even understand what u're doing?

And when the rest of the world moves on, do u stay behind to mourn over lost things or to pack it all in and go on with the flow?

The abyss in my heart has grown so much deeper today becos of just two words.

What a shitty day

2007-01-06T00:47:00.000+08:00

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS SO SHITTY RIGHT NOW.

Hai.

望みが絶たれた.

Bloated and sick

2007-01-03T18:44:00.000+08:00

3rd day of the new year and I feel like I'm going to fall sick... Slightly feverish as I type this now in my room.

Well, just wanted to account for what I did over the new years eve... Went out to Marina to meet Duane, JX, Daniel and his gf and ate at Changing Appetites... Well I ate beforehand so din really order a main course but their servings looked real huge and nice... :) Been eating quite alot of good stuff these few days cos I am at home. Prob that's why I'm falling sick now? Overdose of heavenly food... Ate satay, ThaiExpress, JerkThai, KFC, Sakae Sushi over the Xmas and new year weekends.

New Year is always a time for reflection over the past year and how its been. My short summary of how 2006 has been for me is that 2006 has been quite a good year. After all, I ORDed! haha... And then came NUS, where I hit the books again after letting my brain rot for two and a half years. With all the orientation camps that I went for, in addition to all the people from hall, my social network has expanded tremendously and for the first time I say my MSN list explode. Haha~ Though there were some difficulties in finding true nakama I know I have made a bunch of friends who I can laugh with, namely the Steppers. I truly never thought I would haf joined this CCA, and in fact never even felt if that was the correct thing to do till the December camp came and really drew me closer to the team. While I do not haf any IHG sports (with a little bit of regret) I'm glad that things overall haf turned out great. My results were up to my expectations based on my level of effort put in, and looking back I really see and enormous change in my character from the previous year when I came into CHC in end 2005. God has really taken me to places where I never haf dreamt of going -- including this date I will forever remember, 30th Dec 2006 -- and the numbers 2.53. God has taken me high up during the March/April period, where I religiously studied the Bible and stuff, and now He has taken me to a new low. But above all I shall remember 2006 as a year in which God has tested me in my faith and one in which He has blessed me in return -- perhaps not so much in the financial sense, but a giant reversal in my attitudes towards life and everyone in general.

Looking forward, I think I already know it, but I'm still listening intently for the Rhema word from God on my destiny to be fulfilled this 2007. It is definitely going to be a better year than 2006, and I pray that God's vision for me in this time and season may come true... Above all, I really must learn to crucify the desires of the flesh that make me weak and really seek God on a higher level than it is now. Praise to God for everything He's done in my life... :)

A dry post

2006-12-29T17:11:00.000+08:00

This is a very late post that I should haf done on Sun but din get down to it cos of my "nua-ness"... Nevertheless better late than never...

Christmas Day this year was truly a special one for me, cos I actually managed to get my whole family down to watch my church's Xmas drama production... Really a move of God to get my Dad to come for anything church related... Believe that with this simple act the gap between them and the church has closed in by this much... Though altar calls can come later... And Selina came as well, and responded to the call... Thank God for that....

Spent the next few days sleeping in the day and practicing by night. Steppers on Wednesday and later on (Friday), and Chingay on Tuesday and today as well. So happened that Thursday was a free night so I went out with the Frizen pp where we watched Night at the Museum... Was a pretty hilarious show, and turned out better than what I had expected of it... And in the blink of an eye we're here at Friday already - the third last day of this year. Need some time to think about how this year has been and what I need to accomplish next year... in short need to do goal setting... Some people haf mixed feelings about this and I'm no exception, but without goals and visions we are totally nothing. We'll fall even worse than if we had expectations but did not live it up to its entirety.

Hohoho. Round 1A of bidding jus ended 20 min ago. This sem's bidding shud be quite easy, all should be able to get for 1 point I guess. Supply exceeds demand. Well, I shall end this very dry entry here... Jus wanted to keep note of the first time my family ever came down to see my church in its full splendor...

2006-12-23T05:04:00.000+08:00

Its 5am and I still cannot get to sleep cos I slept a lot on Friday... Spent it surfing the net and taking naps... Then had steppers training and chingay after that. Hmm. I really shudnt be up now, thinking about whats going to happen today. I'll be going for drum lessons, followed by church where I'll be bringing Cheryl and Bryan to see our Xmas drama production. Going to last all the way till nighttime and I can predict I'll go bonkers by midday judging from the way I'm still awake at this time.

Went for supper with a few of the Steppers and I realized that there are some people who still can talk sense after all. I really prefer such small group settings where the topics discussed are so much more intellectual and insightful than the usual group banter that takes place in a large group of people. Though I had no special knowledge of the topics that Wanlin talked about it made for good food for thought.

Having been through the camp, I realize that I've grown to really like this group of people. Its like an emotional bond formed among us during the camp where everyone was so willing to endure with each other and push through the long training hours. This was made really evident when I was at chingay practice today and yet really felt like running over to join the steppers who were still training tosses while we were dancing for chingay. Come to think of it, I now wonder why I chose the Aristocrats. We're spending so many more hours than all the other groups to perfect our dances even though we're the smallest group. Should have just taken punk or mechanic instead... Haha...

Xmas is coming!!! Gonna believe in God that He will touch the lives of the people I'm bringing to church today... Which brings to mind the short history lesson courtesy of James at the KRCF Xmas party at the dining hall. Realized that Christmas isn't really what we think it is about, even among the Christian point of view. But the most important thing is still the rememberance that Jesus came into this view, full of darkness, and gave it light, and a new hope. We as Christians should never take this fact for granted and remind ourselves everyday that He is the reason why we are here today. And it is for this simple fact that we should give our thanks always...

Thank you God, for making us what we are today, and what we will be in time to come.

Steppers trng camp day 2

2006-12-20T01:02:00.000+08:00

Superbly tiring day

2006-12-17T19:49:00.000+08:00

What a bad day today was... haha.

Went for service as usual feeling dead tired from a bad nights rest though I slept at 12am and had 6 hours of sleep... Was assigned to Radar 1 but I nv expected things to turn out like e way it did today...

Firstly, I was thrown into a position that I had never ever done before, and to top it off, NO ONE taught me how to do it until 5 minutes before I was to be deployed for it. After a hurried and brief (read: INSUFFICIENT) explanation of the duties of Radar 1 I was sent in together with the offering. Security ministry ah... Don't u think it'd be better if the duties were specified more properly in black and white? As in, at least haf some kind of proper training routine/ programme for new guys to go thru lah. Like that then can impart to us the proper basic skills and prevent cockups mah. Haiyo. Common sense rite.

Second problem: USHERS.

If u do haf a list of who can enter, why not just stick to it and stop letting all those stupid Chief Ushers and non related pp going in and out as and when they please? Its super annoying when u want to be let in fast but I can't even hear who's coming in. And if I let u in without questioning I'll kena. If I don't let u in fast enough my friend outside will kena. So what the hell do u want? If u're really that urgent to get in, like what Brother Guowei said, go make a darn phone call to the ushers already inside and say u're coming in please. Save yourself and more importantly myself from the trouble of reading out your less than interesting name over the comms. If u think u're bigshot enough to demand asking the door to be opened immediately, well all I can say is keep ur bloody mouth shut first and wait lah. At least until I know who u are. And if u do want to complain to my bosses please at least tell me straight first that I'm not doing a job good enough for your liking. Information that passes thru without going past the person at the focus of the question seems really disrespectful to me, especially when its a comment on the person's competence. Which brings me to the next point: COMMS.

Seems like even though my friend and I are less than 5m apart physically we haf trouble hearing each other properly through the less than capable comms. Stupid short range set distorts the sound tremendously and u must forgive me if my ears are kind of deaf when the other side is saying '%*R@#H) is coming in, open the door!' Please, by all means do holler at me to open the door shud u be more capable than me of deciphering what the first word means. I will haf no complains and will even thank u for ur point of information. Oh. And one last thing. If you really find that security is not being a great help here in this case u're actually very free to set up a sub-com of security members within ur Usher ministry u know. Or even better, get your ushers to sit in our positions and try Radar for a month or two. Really, I think it'd be quite a good experience for u.

Ended the day feeling dead tired (from standing for so long) and half collapsed while on the train!! Was really damn sleepy and wanted to sleep... Super pissed in some things regarding this, but that I will type another time lah. Sian already.

Mid-hols

2006-12-15T01:13:00.000+08:00

The holidays are flying by so quickly!!!

I realize that its already mid December, and sch's starting in another 2/3 weeks time... And it hasn't even felt like a holiday yet... Haf Chingay and Steppers training at nights, so my days are quite free, which I should be thankful for already...

My meeting with Alice today really reminded me of something that I seem to have forgotten, and that is the real importance of maintaining friendships with those around you... Was rather surprised when I saw her at the bus stop and she said she was flying off tomorrow... Gg to China first then flying frm there to the US for her exchange programme... And as I helped her move her things onto her friend's car in the evening I felt a sense of loss as I thought of her departure. Farewells are always quite peculiar events to me cos I always seem to feel like I could have known the person leaving better, but was unable to cos of so many reasons.

I wish that I could have better and closer friendships with the pp around me, but something always seems to get in the way... An emotional, physical barrier that separates me from the rest... How am I supposed to cross this wall? Probably only God can show me...

No title

2006-12-10T23:04:00.000+08:00

Been a while since I wrote cos I've grown rather lazy to type. Anyways:

1) Exams are finally over. Whew!! Won't be that eager to see my results though, so I still have about three weeks to enjoy before the truth hits me... Haha. Spent my week chionging Prison Break and Monster, and sleeping -- alot. :)

2) Would like to just make a small note here on my spiritual life, feel a little guilty that I've not been as fervent to seek God... But was really blessed today, when I stayed back as Log and helped out for the home cell group class also. There was Ops Charlie and we were so few in numbers... I remember even as I stood there in the hall the atmosphere was totally different from that of a normal service, together with the congregation. I can only attribute it to the enormous feeling of God's presence there, and I really felt for that moment what it was truly like to stand in God's presence -- words cant describe, but if I were to find a word that I felt back then it would have been "peace". Really.

3) This week's the week I start getting back into shape physically and mentally as well... Need some discipline in my life or my whole holidays will be wasted... Should really heed Gabriel's advice and find a skill or hobby to pick up so that it can bear fruit for me and be a source of income later on... I only have this much time to prepare myself mentally again for the challenges of sch life next sem and to change myself to engage the world on a whole new level... Its an ongoing battle!!!

Kanashii yo... Kanojo wa ashita tondeiku... Shinpaisuru da ne....

The beauty of it all

2006-11-24T20:08:00.000+08:00

Was at my block rooftop to enjoy the breeze, taking a break from my studies... And somehow the view struck me as never before. I have been up to the rooftop so many times but this is the first time I am so amazed by the view of the port, with its gigantic cranes operating so silently from here and the lights which stand like stars amid the landscape. Immediately I was so amazed at God's handiwork in our world; we have become so busy with our lives that we have stopped looking at the simpler things, like the view that I saw, and be thankful that we are able to witness such stuff.

My exams start tomorrow, and I'm sick. Hai... For some reason I always get the flu on the eve of important days.. But I will believe in the Lord to heal me by then, and to do well for tomorrow's paper...

Stupid me

2006-11-19T02:13:00.000+08:00

Continuing my previous post, its not that I'm taking God's presence for granted... I do feel happy and satisfied in His presence... But sometimes I can't help but think how it'd be if He were to send another physical being like me to fellowship with... I think I'm just being spiritually immature and selfish to say this.. But how do u keep ignoring the very emotion that God Himself has for us when it comes to another person? I feel so shut down at times, I really wonder if I'm ever going to be able to open up at all. Jesus is within me but I still struggle to let go of my past hurts, much as I try to give it all to Him. I guess I just don't know His intentions for me well enough yet... Its so frustrating to to neither here nor there...

Hai. Stupid me.

Exams stress!

2006-11-19T02:01:00.000+08:00

Exams are coming in a week, and I only jus began revising my work. Its really getting very stressful... And I'm superbly worried for my econs, from the looks of the past year paper I dont even know if I can figure out half the answers... I'm so freaking dead.

Anyway I find that in such times of stress I get influenced by others very easily. As in, I can get upset or happy really quickly and have a change in mood depending on the things I've heard from them or the way they behave. It just feels quite sucky to haf such feelings when most of them are unhappy ones also...

Its just a holy dissatisfaction, I suppose... I have so many things of the heart that I'd like to share, if only anyone would listen... If only there were someone out there who could understand me... Besides God, it'd be good if I had another person whom I can pour out my heart to... Much as I look, that person never seems to appear. And when I think otherwise and try to open up, I always end up on the losing and hurt side... Is there anybody in this world who is fit for me..? Or do I only have God to lean on to?

Taking stock of my life

2006-11-10T06:10:00.000+08:00

Been a while since I posted, so here comes the time when I take stock of what has been happening in my life...

Exams are coming soon, and I'm getting very very stressed out from all my projects which will be due next week in succession. Unable to start studying becos of all these project deadlines and when I submit them I'll have only a week plus to study before the exams start. Whoever said uni life was slack is so dead wrong. Schedules move on at a blazing pace, oblivious to your daily struggles trying to keep up with tutorials and assignments, all the while making an effort to engage in hall activities as much as possible. Then comes exams and it'll all be over before you know it. Really, I have never experienced a time in my life where time has moved SO fast.

Last cheer training ended today, and it was quite a tough, yet enjoyable workout for me. I haven't sweated this much in a long time -- which reminds me of how I really need to go running. Seems like my upper body still can't really handle the stress of a girl's weight on my wrists and shoulders. Need to train more, amidst all the exam preparations.

Spiritually, I feel that it has been good this week, since Arise and Build has started! Last Sunday was the pledging weekend, and truly I will stand in faith that the Lord will provide if we place our trust in Him. It is only the first week and yet I feel like I am gradually drawing back to God again. Went for prayer meeting on Thursday morning, and was glad that they finally sang two worship songs that I knew how to sing! Haha.... And found out that Natalie is from my church as well! It was time well spent...

Personally, I need to stop letting distractions get in my way, if I can't even handle my studies well how can I even entertain the thought of getting attached? Right now I feel quite happy as it is, being able to be around her for most of the days. While I definitely would like to get closer to her it really depends on the circumstances and whether she would feel the same way as well.

Right now, I need to study. Really. Exams are coming up, and so far all my percentage scoring for the various components in every module are quite lacking. Really need to buck up.

Recorded

2006-10-28T00:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I should continue writing things in this blog. After all, the rate of posting has decreased from its peak at about 4-6/wk when I was in my army days and the subsequent ORD period till the current once or twice every fortnight or so. Life is so busy that I have no time for small talk such as this. But then, I remember what my purpose in blogging is and I find that I have strayed from it, so I shall bear it in mind as I type this... And anyway, its a Friday night. I suppose I could make time for blogging if I really want it...

Many things are happening in my life right now, and none of them are too pleasant. I find that my amount of QT spent has drastically dropped for the past two weeks and it seems as though everything is going downhill. Been stoning quite a lot since I borrowed anime from Haoxiang, and been watching quite some anime. Seems that the more time I spend away from the word, the less productive I feel and become... And then there's that problem. Again.

I am so undecided on what to do about it.... Should I just keep it down and pretend nothing's going on within me, or should I start to reveal what I feel? Friendships are at stake here, and I am dealing with someone whom I'll see quite often in the foreseeable future as well... It'd quite suck if things turned out sourly... Or I could just leave it as it is now, but deep down my heart will never be content knowing that I am keeping it inside...

Sigh.~
心のことはやっぱりわかりませんね。。。

My inner feelings about myself

2006-10-05T02:56:00.000+08:00

I seem to have come to a revelation about myself, even though I may have known this for very long already anyway...

I think the number one reason why I can't really connect with people in general is because I'm afraid to draw closer to them. The case is true especially for girls... After the dream I had last night I realize that after so long it is still the same person who keeps appearing in my thoughts every now and then. The only one whom I somehow still have a stirring in my heart for when I should have moved on long long time ago. I find that it may be that she is the one who is still holding me back from giving my all in relationships. Perhaps she is the reason why I can't seem to want to get close to anyone, because when u open urself up to someone so much, or invest so much emotion into somebody, it would really hurt if ur feelings were not reciprocated... And because of this fear of being heartbroken again, u choose to build up walls around u to protect urself, thereby distancing urself away from others... Isn't that true of all the people in the world today who are hurting? They can find no way to release their disappointments and grief and so they bury it so deep inside their hearts they even have no idea where it is hidden sometimes. They put on masks every single day of their lives, smiling and pretending to go on with the world when all they have inside is empty hollowness.

One thing though, such people always have a weak spot in their emotions. No matter how high the walls that we've built up, a tap in the right place will send the walls crumbling in a split second, revealing our inner weaknesses and hurt. And I feel that this sweet spot lies in the area of finding someone whom I can really share my thoughts with, and to love and be loved by that person...

So what can I do, to release the grief within me? It is something that I should have done so long ago but didn't, for it got stuck with me when I chose not to do anything about it. Now it has become a living curse for me, and I wonder if there's anyone out there who can actually show my heart that I really can have someone to cherish and to hold, to walk my journey of life with?

Hehe. I sound pretty lame and pathetic. Time to put on my mask again. Cheers~

Just some thoughts...

2006-10-04T02:23:00.000+08:00

Went for a good leisure run with Alice just now... And we somehow went on to talk about army stuff. Shared with her alot of things that I learnt there, and when I stop to look back now, it has been months since I've left it, but the memories are still as fresh... Forward to now, when most of the specs whom I've worked with are already out or are going to get out soon, I really marvel at how time always unsuspectingly flies by when you're not noticing. It seems like just yesterday when I decided to sign up for my Bizad FOC in June, which was to signal the start of an entirely new experience in my life. And now that I'm part of this life, I really must thank God for bringing me thus far... To remind myself that no matter how low or how inadequate I feel now it is still so far from my army days when I was at my valley. Looking forward, I can see the mountain top, but it is still very far away. We should all always be reminded at times of how far we've come to realize how important it is for us not to slip all the way back down...